I think the thing with grief is that I always want to know the 'why' or the 'what'; Why did I break down after a perfectly nice weekend? What was the trigger? On Sunday night, I went to bed and woke up 23 again, in 2018. I woke up with all of the fresh pain and the memories of my mum passing away. I felt frantic and only wanted to speak to the people who were around me then.
For many of us, we live in hope because those who have lost someone still can’t comprehend it.
When I was a teenager, I had the opportunity to see Ben Howard live for the first time, I remember trying to convince a friend to come with me because "You aren't going to remember the time you saved £25.00, you're going to remember the time you were front row at a Ben Howard concert!". Needless to say, we had a great time. It's something I've always been mindful of. And now, after losing my mum, memories have never been so valuable to me.
When you hold your thumb, try and think of a safe and calming space. This could be a place that you imagine, like a beach with the sound of the waves, or it could be a memory where you remember feel particularly calm. For me it is lying back on the trampoline, feeling warm by the evening sun, at about 12 years old.