We cannot thank Bretta enough for sharing such a raw post about loving and losing her mum. So many people feel shame or guilt after losing their person; "if only I could have done or said..." Managing these tumultuous emotions can be the single most difficult thing to come to terms with. One day you will accept that you coped the best way you knew how to at the time, and when you are feeling stronger you will forgive yourself and take your person's kindness with you. Thank you, Bretta.
How could I still be listening out, just in case Mum needed me?
Today, I bleed. In the space of a year, everything has changed.
I felt emotionally exhausted and wanted the opportunity to transfer this emotional struggle into a physical challenge that I could overcome, learn and develop from.
It makes me feel bad that my family have had to look after me so much. I hate being a burden, boring and a frustration. I hate that they had to wake up in the night to help me with medicines or when I was throwing up.
I wondered whether Mummy felt this way too when she was in hospital and whether I did enough to comfort her. I hope she never felt alone when she was with me.
What they didn’t know was that I was slowly losing it. My grades were the only thing I could even begin to control. I believed the only thing I could truly count on was that in March 2019 I would be at university. The hardest thing I had to do was leave my mum curled up on the sofa to revise for my exams. Repeatedly I beat myself up for being so selfish, but I promised myself that I would have all of summer to be with my Mum.