I’ve been there. No, not a widowed middle-aged man with an alcohol problem. But I’ve been at the point where life's unrelenting conveyor belt is ushering you to keep moving forward but you are still frantically trying to scramble against time to stay close to the person you lost.
A new happy that remembers the grief that robbed my family back in 2018 but shows up anyway. A happy that gives a little sad sigh at the end of each day and says “I wish I could facetime my mum”.
As a child, December was my favourite month. From the 5th to the 9th, using all of my willpower, I used to save up my advent calendar chocolates. On the morning of the 10th, sleepy eyed, I would sit in between my parents as Mum would give me my birthday presents and I would indulge in the chocolates that I had been saving for my big day.
Today, I chose to take a “Grief Day” – a term I use to coin a day entirely devoted to feeling grief. A day when I turn to myself for the home comforts just as my mum used to on those sick days from school.
Yes, and I am finally living it.
That's one of the most difficult things about losing my mum, I just want to tell her how difficult life is without her in it.