That's one of the most difficult things about losing my mum, I just want to tell her how difficult life is without her in it.
When I was a teenager, I had the opportunity to see Ben Howard live for the first time, I remember trying to convince a friend to come with me because "You aren't going to remember the time you saved £25.00, you're going to remember the time you were front row at a Ben Howard concert!". Needless to say, we had a great time. It's something I've always been mindful of. And now, after losing my mum, memories have never been so valuable to me.
When you hold your thumb, try and think of a safe and calming space. This could be a place that you imagine, like a beach with the sound of the waves, or it could be a memory where you remember feel particularly calm. For me it is lying back on the trampoline, feeling warm by the evening sun, at about 12 years old.
For the first 3 months following my mums passing, I was frantic and desperate for memories. We had already lost her, I was terrified that I’d now forget her too. I wanted to hold on to our memories so tightly as if they were helium balloons. Like a child at the fayre, I daren’t loosen my grip in fear that they’d float away and be forgotten forever.
I've been really emotional leading up to this Mother's Day. I miss her more with every passing day. Her absence at home is deafening. I spend a lot of my weekends visiting her. It’s a beautifully serene place and I feel very comfortable there. Sometimes my younger sister and I take a picnic blanket, we lay down and have a good cry!
I feel as though I am slowly sinking into thick black tar. My clothes feel like lead, pulling me under even more, weighing heavy against my lungs making it difficult to breathe. I don’t have the strength to put out my arm and reach for help. I feel completely overcome with grief for my mum. I feel debilitated.
It didn't make sense at first. How could I have been a carer for such a long period without having realised? I think this is the case for many people. Like I said, the changes were minimal at first, and you really don't mind because you'd do anything for your family.