There is no consolation for missing someone who can't come back, but there are things you can do to feel closer to your person, and I am thankful to be able to continue something that we both loved together.
I know it seems that this pandemic will never end, particularly as it follows us into a new year. But please know that you are not alone in your struggle, and this will pass. You will see that there are so many reasons to live.
All my love and support, Katie
Losing our mum aged me in so many ways, which I have mentioned a lot in blog posts before. Mum would always call me a "party girl" which used to make me cringe, but I quite liked the colourful description. I liked that people thought I was colourful and energetic.
I think a part of me is afraid to really dive into those words that have become a regular line in my narrative. I am afraid to miss my mum, because what if I miss her wrong? What if I remember something wrong? What if I drown?
I think the thing with grief is that I always want to know the 'why' or the 'what'; Why did I break down after a perfectly nice weekend? What was the trigger? On Sunday night, I went to bed and woke up 23 again, in 2018. I woke up with all of the fresh pain and the memories of my mum passing away. I felt frantic and only wanted to speak to the people who were around me then.
I wonder if I'll ever come to terms with the fact that you aren't here anymore. Will I ever be comfortable when September comes around and brings another year without you to a close? Is it weird that I consider September the start of the new year? Today is your 56th birthday and tomorrow marks … Continue reading It’s Been a Year
I’ve been there. No, not a widowed middle-aged man with an alcohol problem. But I’ve been at the point where life's unrelenting conveyor belt is ushering you to keep moving forward but you are still frantically trying to scramble against time to stay close to the person you lost.
A new happy that remembers the grief that robbed my family back in 2018 but shows up anyway. A happy that gives a little sad sigh at the end of each day and says “I wish I could facetime my mum”.
Since my mum passed a way, my whole perspective on life changed and I have felt as though I have been walking around with a secret; “pssst, did you know that people actually die and none of what we are doing is actually that important?” All that truly matters in this life is family and being with the people you love, and I feel so lucky to be seeing this through with mine in a place that I can call home.