That's one of the most difficult things about losing my mum, I just want to tell her how difficult life is without her in it.
If we consider emotions as tools to deal with life, we need each and every one of them for a purpose. So, do not suppress it.
When I was a teenager, I had the opportunity to see Ben Howard live for the first time, I remember trying to convince a friend to come with me because "You aren't going to remember the time you saved £25.00, you're going to remember the time you were front row at a Ben Howard concert!". Needless to say, we had a great time. It's something I've always been mindful of. And now, after losing my mum, memories have never been so valuable to me.
Eventually the things I could control I over-controlled and micro-managed every step of the way.
I enjoyed being outside of my comfort zone. I enjoyed not knowing the language, and the noise of the family around me. I was free. I had never felt more lost, and I had never felt more ‘found’ before.
She was my hero, and my best friend. She would always look after me, help me and guide me, and it strikes me that twelve, thirteen years later, I don’t have that.
When you hold your thumb, try and think of a safe and calming space. This could be a place that you imagine, like a beach with the sound of the waves, or it could be a memory where you remember feel particularly calm. For me it is lying back on the trampoline, feeling warm by the evening sun, at about 12 years old.