“Okay Evee, you’re on your own now, and you have to put as much distance between this tragic event as you can.”
Katie and I have been doing a lot of talks lately about grief, loss and all that comes with it. It is a wonderful feeling, for our opinions, experiences and thoughts to be intently listened with respect.
Yet when we hold conversations like these, a lot of feelings come up for us. For me, I have been thinking about this moment a lot.
The moment I told myself I was alone now.
When you lose a parent, you lose your identity. You lose your security. You lose guidance. After my mum died, I felt an immediate and deep necessity to toughen up against the world. Desperately, I wanted to propel myself forward to the point where I was 30, secure and strong, living in my own place.
I wanted to be able to look back at what I went through and think “God, that was truly awful.” It would leave a bad taste in my mouth, but I would turn away and get on with my lifFrom that day on, I believed I would be cold to the world, and to anyone else who could leave me too.
That is how I imagined life without my mum would be. A series of moments would pass me by, and each day I would fortify myself in solitude and forgetting.
I did not know life could be like this.
What do I classify as “This”?
Well, I didn’t realise I could live alongside my grief. I thought my smile would forever be changed, happiness would be long gone, and that anyone who looked at me would know: this girl is different. I felt like I had a permanent scar on my face.
This life that I have made for myself, is full of feeling. I don’t want moments to pass me by, because I love feeling of the sun on my face, the ache in my body after exercise, I love the depth of emotions my heart pumps through my days.
Grief does not have to be something that cripples you, and that then has to be forgotten. I think it is inevitable to feel that way, but for me, it was not forever.
To my grieving daughters, sons and children, I stand with you. My story cries and riots against the unfairness of the hand we have been dealt. Yet, please know; one day you will stand up, strength fortifying your heart, your loved one holding your hand, and you will recognise, not the time that has passed, but how far you have come.
You are brave.
You are my hero.
A Song For You – When The Dreams Run Dry – The Killers – When the dreams run dry, I will be where I always was. Standing at your side.