As I sit and write this, I am feeling exhausted from my week. This exhaustion stems from the remnants of life living in my limbs. My shoulders ache slightly from my workout yesterday, my eyes are puffy from sleeping so well last night. My tummy rumbles gently as she is used to three meals a day again.
My day is beautiful and open, it can go anywhere I carry it, and there’s so many options that I feel overwhelmed. Yesterday I had a picnic with my friends, and, man, they are so funny. I love stumbling on people the way I have.
I have made so many new connections (outdoors and covid secure) from my hobbies, like photography, embroidery, and the newest one I have started (A post is in the works!), and I think that’s the best way to make friends. You have a common interest with someone, and you see that there are so many similarities to yourself and the other that it almost shocks you. (Only took me 21 years to work all this out! Ahahah)
One of my goals for March was to make new friends. I wrote a manifestation: “I am afraid to acknowledge that I am ready for friends, but I am. I am ready for new ones, of any kind. Anyone you can send me, I have so much love for already.”
I was so afraid of getting hurt that I almost shut down the opportunities when they arose, but now I have a say yes attitude, rather than say no. Now that restrictions have eased, I find myself next to new lakes I haven’t been to before, in skate parks laughing, watching sunsets, and making jewellery in the sun.
It only just struck me that I haven’t felt like I don’t fit in.
The changing point of March, was March 8th. When I wrote this in my journal, I had no idea that I would actually be able to leave the situation I was in. All I knew was that I needed to surrender, not to the inevitability of life, but to myself. I needed to see myself as someone who I wanted.
Dear 8th of March
I choose life for myself. I choose love for myself. I choose peace for myself. I choose joy for myself. I choose survival for myself. I choose not to turn on myself. I choose Evee every day of my life.
It has been a steady rise since then.
My heart beats steady with love, life and fun. I thought there would be a gentle sigh of regret in my days, but that is yet to come. I feel as though I am going from strength to strength, so how could it ever come? How can you regret, when you did everything you could, and it stemmed from a loving place?
Well, you can’t.
Thank you, dearest March, for my favourite lesson yet. Life truly does exist in a balance, and the negatives you feel will be balanced out by as many positives. As I have said so many times on this blog, ruin is the road to transformation. I am so grateful to be transformed and different to the girl who entered March feeling lost, afraid, hopeless and alone.
Girl, you had no idea, and I’m glad you didn’t. This is better than anything you would have expected.
“You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert
A Song For You: The Fear by Ben Howard. You will become what you deserve, my friend.