This time last week, it was a rainy day. I lay in bed and contemplated the raindrops. I didn’t do it with great passion, or any emotion, I just lay and thought about them. Completely numb. Katie’s counsellor says that water represents change, you know.
It’s a very long, drawn out, and overused metaphor, but I felt like those raindrops. A nameless body falling from the sky to splash onto the pavement; to join a nameless mass of water and statistics.
The same way that a raindrop falls, I felt there was a certain inevitability in my drop. Rain doesn’t decide to shoot back up in the sky because it decided it didn’t actually want to meet the floor.
Eventually I got up, aimlessly and without devotion. I made my coffee and watched the rain trickle from the top of my window to the bottom. I felt so weird that I found it so hard to get up and move half a meter to my kettle. Pouring water from the bottle from my floor to my kettle felt like an impossible try. Going further than that, I would avoid using my bottled water because tiptoeing downstairs to fill up this 2 litre bottle filled me with dread.
But when I did make my coffee, I noticed that my neighbour had posted a post-it note that said “pink for Wednesday! Have a great day.” Something so small and menial made me realize “I have a reason to get up and look out of my window.” To read the post-it notes my neighbours’ left for me. As my kettle boiled, I realised that water becomes steam. Water is not destined to fall.
One week on, and it’s a sunny day. I have had breakfast in bed, a coffee brought up for me. There has been care and attention throughout every hour of my days at the moment. From messages from new friends, old friends, and really, any type of friends.
I am grateful for this network that I didn’t even realize was mine. Silent supporters championing me on. Bracing against the punches with me, sighing in relief, whooping with me or crying silently by my side.
Back in December, I would cry to Katie vowing to myself that I would never turn on myself again. I swore that oath, imagining that my heart was built of steel. There was a turning point this time last week, where I had just had a panic attack and I was curled in a ball. I tore myself apart and I said “You deserve this Evee.” I sat up, and I said aloud “don’t be so cruel. You would not ask for this amount of pain.” Who would? That realisation stunned me. I did not bring any of this on myself.
I think the universe gifts you the same lessons until you learn them. Not just learn them, but until you feel them in your spirit and they fill your soul. Until you decide to love yourself enough and change. Adapt. This was a hauntingly similar situation to the one I experienced in October, yet a few things were different.
I had a team behind me; one great friend messaged Katie and said “we’ve got Evee’s back”. We both let out a long sigh. Like we had been holding our breath for so long that finally letting go meant we could breathe. Katie didn’t feel like she had to look out for me with the attitude of a thousand soldiers. Instead she could love me from the sidelines with trust that I was safe.
I tried so hard to support myself. I have bounced back mentally a lot quicker than anticipated. For some reason, I feel “over it”. I don’t have any negative emotion in my heart. I just feel joy that I am okay. I don’t have huge expectations for myself, but I am no longer giving myself a big hug for surviving the past 24 hours. I’m eating three meals a day, showering regularly and going out to enjoy my days amongst nature. I feel like I’m winning again. Last week I cried on the phone and said “every day I wake up and lose. I go downstairs and I lose. I get out of bed and I lose. Everything I do, I lose, lose, lose.” Well Evee, every day you wake up and win. You stretch in the morning to the sound of the birds and chatter, and you’ve won. You get out of bed by 9, and you’ve won.
I am looking at long term solutions rather than short term ones. I reached out for so much help; and Help reached back. Now I look to the future and see a glorious blank page. Or maybe it’s a canvas. Or maybe a long twisting road. I’m not sure, I’m just excited to try it out.
Lessons I have learned in the past 7 days:
- Ruin is the road to transformation.
- Jump and the universe will catch you.
- It is not your job to save people.
- People are so good.
- Feel the vacuum of loss and fear, and you will feel more love than you ever anticipated (I’ve watched Eat, Pray, Love twice in the past 2 weeks; it’s a bit cheesy but it’s on Netflix).
- People who try to ruin your day are the people who need the biggest hugs, a face mask and a hot chocolate. They also probably need a big cry tucked up in the arms of someone they love.
- Send those who wronged you nothing but love. Do not allow yourself to continue the cycle.
And ultimately: all things pass. You never, ever know what is around the corner. I spoke to another individual and said “If I had only known.” But maybe that’s the point. I didn’t know what was around the corner, and I still picked myself up.
There is so much love out there for you, even if you can’t see it in that moment.
I feel like I was the raindrop who shot back up into the sky, to evaporate and live as a cloud. Nothing is set in stone, my friends. Least of all your future.