I Think I’m Afraid

“I miss my mum”

I feel those words so often that they don’t really have any meaning. They are worn, hollowed and fragile. I dare not focus on them too much or they might just shatter. I might just shatter.

I think those words so often that they almost act as a barrier, albeit not a very strong one,  between myself and what it is that I miss about my mum.  Saying “I miss my mum” gently brushes over the top of a feeling that I am too afraid to delve into. What’s the point into delving into something that cannot be fixed?

There is no consolation to the words “I miss my mum”. I can’t pick up the phone and speak to her. Her words cannot fill the fragile hollow grief of missing her.

I think a part of me is afraid to really dive into those words that have become a regular line in my narrative. I am afraid to miss my mum, because what if I remember her wrong? What if I miss her wrong? What if I drown?

Rather, my mind tends to stumble over missing someone who is still alive. It makes more sense to miss someone who has a chance of coming back, don’t you think? I guess you can call it a referral pain of some sorts.

And so rather than actively  miss her, I feel a passive numb acceptance. I have a whole box full of our memories and I have plenty of photos around my room. But I rarely take the time to look at them. I just look through the photo of the person who was my mum.

I think I am afraid. What if I forget how soft her hair was, or the feel of her hands? What if I remember her wrong? What if I miss her wrong?

Most of all, what if I have already forgotten how real she was?

You know, over the past 2 years of running this blog, I think I have failed to mention just how annoying she was. No one really mentions just how annoying their loved one was after they’ve passed away, do they?

Well, my mum was annoying. When I was about 17, Evee 12, the three of us had an agreement before we left for school and work that we wouldn’t engage in conversation beyond “Have a nice day, I love you”. You see, none of us were morning people and 9/10 times, if we were to have a conversation before 09:00 am, it would end up in an argument as we’d rush about trying to find our misplaced shoes or car keys. Evee would slam the door and stomp off to school. When we were all home by 16:00, the morning’s tiff would all be but forgotten. But we agreed that it was just better to not have a tiff at all, so we didn’t speak – it just worked.

She was absolutely not perfect. She would anger just like anyone else, she would swear at drivers who cut her off and then politely say “excuse my French, girls”.

My mum could be a pain in my ass, and I just miss her so, so much.

I’m not entirely sure that this post will make sense to you, but it makes a little more sense to me after writing it out. I just miss my mum, and I think I’m afraid.

I would love to know a little bit about your person, what is it that you miss, what made them real? If you feel comfortable, tell me a little about them in the comments.

Katie x

 

Also, it’s been a little while since I shared a song…

“Falling from high places, falling through lost spaces,

Now that we’re lonely, now that we’re so far from home.

Watching from both sides, these towers been tumbling down,

I lost my mind here, I lost my patience with the lord.”

The Wolves  – Ben Howard 

52 thoughts on “I Think I’m Afraid

  1. I miss everything about Bill. The way he made me laugh when I was getting angry. The way he hugged me, he gave the best hugs. His heat in bed, it was like having my own hot water bottle and now I have to wear socks as my feet get cold 🙄. He was my soul mate and we did everything together. We packed so much into the 12yrs we had together but we had so so much more we wanted to do and he was taken far too soon. I really really miss him 😢

  2. Hi Katie. I so appreciate your story and sharing about your feelings around missing your mum. I can relate to a lot of it. My mom died unexpectedly when I was 24. It changed my life and was really hard. We didn’t have a good relationship in my view and that created some guilt for me after she passed. I didn’t always like her.

    I think for me it’s felt for a long time now like I didn’t have a mom so the feeling of missing her has been something I can’t quite connect with. I think I can identify with the passive numb acceptance you mention. I do miss an aspect of a loving parent though and maybe see with my own daughter things that I have been able to provide for her that I did not experience in relationship with my mother. That’s come with work and inner healing. So in that sense I can wrap around a little more with missing my mother. There are times when I have noticed – oh what would it be like to be able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom about this or that. But that hasn’t been an option for so long it kind of doesn’t come on my radar too often and it’s not an experience I really “know”. That feels sad to me. Like something I missed. Just yesterday I happened upon some old photos when I was still a baby – I see my mom as a young woman. Maybe she was 24 -25 and her innocence stands out in that role of mother. I wish I could have had a conversation with her then.

    1. I bought snowdrop bulbs recently, as this is sort of like a connection with the happy side of my mother (who loved snowdrops) to build upon. 🌼🌼🌼

    2. Thank you so much for sharing 🤍 it’s a wonderful to hear your story. This is so very beautiful.
      Would we be able to share this as part of our As Told By You page?
      It’s completely fine if not, but you have talked about your mother so so beautifully, and we are struck by it.

      1. You are most welcome to share what I have shared with you if it helps others and yourselves. I add, that I have now found a way through this time of year, in that instead of celebrating Christmas, I tollerate it (the spell check just put a line under that word and says I can’t spell tolerate, oh wait, yes I can LOL where was I? oh yes) I tolerate it, but that now I personally used the Winter Solstice to spring back into life. The days will be getting longer, the others of the world will celebrate their man made things and I will cling to the thought that the Earth has already started to recover from the slumber of the dark. A client bought me some hyasenth (now the spell checker is telling me off again, so I will look up the word) hyacinth bulbs and they have already started to sprout. Although I am to go into work today to have my weekly covid test, today is a day off (unless I get the call) and I’m determined to get out into my garden to listen to the birds, feel the fresh air upon my face (not allowed throughout each shift) and be part of nature’s life. 🌱

  3. Nice piece, thanks for sharing you feelings. Life is so precious. I tell the people in my life who alive today that we should really be enjoying our time together, because life is not only short, but it could end abruptly. No one listens, I need to do a better job a finding happy positive people who enjoy talking more than arguing. (lol) I digress but…nice piece. 💞

      1. I’ve learnt that negative people and especially the angry folk are only displaying desperate expressions of unmet needs. I got this low down from things about Non Violent Communications by Marshall Rosenberg.

  4. My aunt passed away in April and she was like a second mother to me. She was incredibly giving, warm, and always put everyone first – but gosh, she was so overbearing at times! My friend and I were 16 and had let it slip that we were sneaking into a movie…she followed us right in and blew our cover! We laugh about it now, I sure miss it.

  5. Thank you Katie for sharing your feelings about losing your mom…we all have lost or are afraid to lose someone closest to us…your mom must feel so happy to know that she left behind daughter who always loves and misses her…

  6. Strange how over the years I’ve gotten used to the loss of each person. Sometimes able to imagine them in the here and now, other times not. However, I’ve really not got used to the pangs of memory of how some passed though. Pangs that find a way of bursting in at inconvenient moments and are like a shout of “Cop a load of this memory bee-hatch!” 😲 Headache making stuff.

  7. Thank you for sharing Katie. I can relate. Sometimes the memories seen so far in the past, then sometimes they are so close to the surface that it almost seems that a touch is possible.

  8. Such a honest and vulnerable post, thank you for sharing your heart. I miss my Mom, it’s easier now, it’s been over three years, but most every day I see her smile, sometimes it’s when I look in the mirror and I’m shocked at our similarities. But it goes deeper, into the way she decorated for Christmas, her messages, her gentle advice just when I needed it. Maybe our hearts are so much capable than we think of keeping alive that what we cherish most. C

  9. I lost my husband, Den, on May 30, 2019, and I miss the laughter. Our three adult children always tell people they grew up in a real-life sitcom. The jokes, one-liners, and movie scenes were a daily part of our lives, even after we became empty-nesters.

    Den was also the proverbial “nice-guy,” and friends, family, and coworkers took advantage of his IT/tech skills countless times during our 35+ year marriage.Quite often, promises of payment or equipment replacement never happened. When I’d try to block or discourage new requests, he’d just smile and say it wasn’t a big deal. But I resented people infringing on his time…and our family time knowing they were using him. However, karma is a real thing and when they showed their true colors (and they always did), he’d grab me and kiss me and say, “You know, I hate it when you’re right.” 😀 😀 I miss that too.

    1. Every time we went on holiday Bill would “make friends” and speak to everyone so our holidays weren’t our own and like you I resented them as wanted him all to myself. In April 2019 we went to Lanzarote and I made him promise not to speak to people lol. He kept his promise even though it was against his friendly personality. Little did I know that would be our last holiday abroad together. 😢😢

      1. Our daughter, Lindsey, who will be 29 next week, nicknamed her dad “Chatty Cathy” when she was in junior high. She said he never met a stranger and was not a good example of the “Stranger Danger” principle for children. LOL! Yes, she is a character! 😀 She said, “Only Daddy can go to the store for trash bags and salsa and come out the store two hours later with a new best friend! 😀 😀

        God bless the kind souls. I miss Den every day but am grateful for the life we shared. 🙂

      2. Thank you for sharing so much about Bill, Shona. I know it has been really tough for you this year. It’s great to have your comments on the blog and see that you are interacting. Please know that you are never alone.

  10. My mum has been gone almost 22 years. I still have moments of missing her terribly, and sometimes of needing her and being angry that she’s not there when I need her! You will live out the rest of your life missing this person who gave the life you have to you. In time, the pain will slowly move towards acceptance and it won’t be so sharp. But you will remember her – the good and the bad parts – with less tearfulness as time passes, and will be able to become more grateful of the time you DID have with her and the memories you created. Just be okay with whatever you feel as time goes by. Two years is a drop in the bucket to me….

  11. “All that we love deeply becomes a part of us” (Helen Keller) – thank you for writing such a beautiful piece – I never met your Mum, however I am sure she lives on in you, Evee and Peter and everyone she was close to. Hopefully you can feel that sometimes too…lots of love ❤️ Helen xx

  12. Poem For A Mother

    i Wrote This Poem

    For My Mother

    Today

    i Am

    Writing to You As Well☺️

    Love As A Mother
    Persevere As A Father
    Be That
    FRiEnD
    To
    One
    Lost
    From
    Child of
    Love Within

    All Worth

    Naming

    God Flame

    Yes Love

    Never Giving

    Up On Kindling

    Breath Once Again

    Thank You Stranger

    Once Again Someone

    Inspires me Never To

    Give up on A FRiEnD

    Same my

    Mother

    Did For

    me… my Father Left

    Yet i Feel Shoes

    He Could Not

    Fit And Treat

    FRiEnDS And

    Strangers

    Same

    As my

    Mother’s Love

    Limited only

    Unconditionally

    To Her

    Children…

    Yet You See

    my Olympics is Love…

    Treat New Friends As

    Old Friends Treat Old

    Friends As New

    Friends For

    Giving

    Thanks

    Giving

    Even

    In Their

    Silence And

    Depression As

    Only Both The

    Good Father
    And Mother

    Who

    Breathes

    Within Will

    Yes Love Fearless For

    All Victory CarrieS on💫

    Today is My Mother’s

    Birthday Passing

    Away 3 Years Ago

    After Falling

    To Her Death

    Bed On Valentine’s

    Day in 2017

    This Gift

    This Love

    Yes This Flame

    This God No

    Noun

    Just

    Love

    So Let

    Nike Sell ‘The Shoes’

    Not The Company

    The Goddess

    Of Victory

    Love Still

    Breathing

    Or Returning

    Now to ‘See’

    Once Again Be i Am…🎁🦋

  13. Hi Katie, Your blog is very touching. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing. I also appreciated your note around the imperfections of those we have lost. This is a very true statement. No person is ever perfect, but at first we seem to remember them this way. I think when we begin to let those pieces in, it is a good sign that we are returning to ourselves. It is hard. I miss my dad and my brother very much. My dad passed away 19 years ago, and my brother 4 years ago, this past week. His birthday is next week and it is all very difficult. But, my experience is that is changes in degrees of difficulty and we begin to remember all of them. I loved my people too, and like you, miss them. My genuine care is with you as you continue on this unwanted journey. I am glad you are here and writing🤍.

  14. I understand what you mean by being afraid so well. My grandparents adopted me and raised me so they were Mom and Dad. As an adult, married and started my family, they became my very best friends (I was already incredibly close with them). I became their primary caregiver and were with them until the very end. My mom passed 5/24/2011. My Dad passed 12/5/2012.
    I still had a great relationship with my biological mother…seems ironic but, she did the best thing by knowing she was too young and in no way able to take care or raise me since she was barely able to take care of herself. I thank her for that because her life was such a mess for way too long before she finally got on her feet. As dysfunctional as my family completely is, I can’t complain because I had a pretty good life growing up. Anyway, she ended up passing from liver and kidney failure and I was also right by her side as she took her last breath. She passed 12/18/2016, ten days before her 58th birthday.
    I grieved them so hard and for what felt soooo long and never imagined I could ever feel anything more painful that losing the 3 most important people in my life in only a few short years. Boy was I wrong….
    On 9/5/2020, my oldest of 4 passed away. He was only 25 years old. My entire world shattered and he took so much of me with him that morning. It’s sickening, unimaginable pain that no one should ever feel. And the story behind his life and death is so unbelievable that I’m living it and even I can’t believe it. When I read this post and how you’re feeling, grieving and afraid….I feel it. It’s different for me but, I feel it.
    See, I’m afraid to accept my Jace because I truly believe that the pain when that grief finally erupts and comes out…it will kill me. My heart hurts so bad and I’m struggling…ugh…I can’t even describe it, honestly…. All I know is if I’m barely getting by now and not close at all as to what’s to come with this loss/grieving process, accepting that he’s not ever coming back…ever, how will I ever survive this without my heart completely failing from being so broken? So, what I’ve been noticing about myself is how I am so afraid that I just feel like I’ve decided not to allow myself to say or think of him as the “D” word. Yes, I do get that it sound crazy like I’ve lost my mind completely but, I can’t do it. I know he’s not coming back, he’s passed…that’s it but…I like to try as hard as I can to just think of him as not home. It sounds stupid, I know but just like you, I am afraid.
    My heart goes out to you. It’s not easy to lose the ones we love. I hope by sharing your feelings was helpful in some way. It seems to have touched quite a few people in different ways. I bet your mom would be pretty proud of your strength to admit and express your emotions. ❤️

  15. I miss my wife. She was my friend, my carer my one time lover. She was my constant companion or even I hers when she did her own thing with horses, it was good to take pictures We didn’t live in each others pockets though. Much of my time was either spent writing in the last couple of years of her life or on the computer with my blog. So many memories bring her flying back and there are photograps aplenty to keep me thinking of her. It’s been 8 years and

  16. Hey Katie,

    I remember my mum saying once, when I knew I was being difficult in the middle of several situations I felt I wasn’t helping, that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t “easy”… that her favourite people never were.
    Some of the most precious times between us, some of the most moving and poignant moments, and some of the most profound expressions of the love we shared, happened in the middle of scenarios that would have looked awful to outsiders.
    Sometimes, in recent years, I have missed the kind of love that can often find itself most beautifully among the most horrendous situations as much as the gentlest…
    The kind of love that could erupt into an argument I wouldn’t have with my worst enemy, and then leave it behind because such things, as she said, “don’t matter between us.”
    All these textures are a part of missing her.
    You won’t lose the realness –
    you’ll carry it into other parts of who you are, into other relationships…
    into loves that sometimes won’t look at all like love, and yet will sometimes find the most stunning beauty in such places.
    And all those echoes will shine in such moments- and that will be her smiling.

  17. Sometimes I still talk to family and special friends who have passed. They are still special and in a way can still talk to me. They will always be.
    Thanks for this post.

  18. I also lost my mum when I was barely 6 years old, I don’t have very strong memories with her but whatever little I have… I am afraid like you said that what if I remember her someday wrong! I can so so relate to you and your feelings… I miss my mum too😄

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