Growth #2: Forgiveness

I think in my perspective of the world, I like to see everyone as trying hard for me, and that all the good wishes I put out are undoubtedly returned to me.

I realise that this is not always the case. For those golden people, like those in my family, and those who are close to me, I think that is true. But for those people I chose, I think most of them did not reciprocate my simple acts of kindness.  I don’t think it ever was, I think I just continually tried to fool myself into thinking that it was. And even when I realised, I thought it didn’t matter because I was making someone’s day a little bit better. Eventually I realised I put a lot of consideration into other people’s days, and not into my own.

One of our readers commented saying “You are always Evee, Evee loving flowers, Evee loving people, Evee with loving heart.” And it put a smile on my face.

After a period of time of trying so hard with people who did not care for it, and did not deserve it, I have come to a new realisation. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for telling myself that who I was was not enough. I forgive myself for putting myself in the position of rejection. I forgive myself for the role I played in the situations that unfolded. I was not perfect, I did not behave perfectly, but I think I can always hold my head up high.

Books have always been a fast companion to my life, and recently books have settled me into a safe world of peace again.  Gently, they challenge the beliefs I have of myself, other people and the world. It is not aggressive, it is not with purpose, they just calmly narrate away in your head whilst your mind steadily begins to change. Together we build something new.

The book I am currently reading, The School of Life, safely and carefully teaches you about life, people, and yourself. The most resounding comment I have heard is that “We are not beyond improvement, of course, but people simply never need to harm others if they are not first tormented themselves.“

Every day I have been trying to work out how I am the problem. I tried to unwrap every event I took part in, I tried to unpack every comment I made, I tried to re-evaluate how I may have been perceived.

I have come to the realisation that I am utterly exhausted with it. I am exhausted with believing myself to be the problem, and trying so hard to understand everyone else. If everyone got on with everyone, I have a sneaky feeling there would be a lot less fights in the world. I am not perfect, but who the hell is?

So here I am, typing away at my laptop. I have been spending a lot of time on my laptop, my fingers moving in powerful arcs of redemption, crooning the pain out with the tapping of my keys. A lot of the time, most of the stuff I get rid off, and I’m just pleased to get it out of head. There are so many lost words,  but I am just grateful to not be thinking them anymore.

I do not see myself as a problem. I do not need to be fixed. I think I am a puzzle piece that ended up in a bag of mixed up puzzle pieces, who are simply trying to work out what the riot of reds, a sweep of blues, and garish purples amount to. It’s a hard job for anyone to do, really.

With loss of friendship, comes forgiveness. I always find it so easy to forgive externally. So often forgiving others leads to more pain, or disregard. Forgiving myself I finally feel the love I held back for myself. It is dizzying to accept yourself for yourself, when you have experienced rejection.

It is easy to look at everything you don’t have, or to compare what you have to something, or someone, else.

So here I am, exhausted but smiling. I am grateful for the things I do have, that brings me joy. I am grateful for books, for the little messages from you all. I am grateful for this journey of growth. I am grateful for breaking down. I am grateful for building myself back up. I am grateful for Katie’s gentle patience and understanding. I am grateful to be Mummy’s daughter, who is polarising, loving and forgiving, just as she raised me to be.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Yet the grass you water will always be the healthiest, and in time, the greenest.

Shit happens. Moving on.

Evee (who loves flowers) x

29 thoughts on “Growth #2: Forgiveness

  1. Abubaker Jandan – مدونة عامة أكتب فيها عن كافة القضايا والمواضيع الإجتماعية والسياسية والرياضية والفنية والإقتصادية .وكل ما هو يتعلق في عالم التقنية والمعلومات والتاريخ والشعر والمسرح والدين. A general blog in which I write about all social, political, sports, artistic and economic issues and topics and everything related to the world of technology, information, history, poetry, .theater and religion
    Abubaker Jandan says:

    A beautiful post I like it thank you so much

      1. Well, that was fast. Think of Johnny Walker, the whisky: “Keep walking”. Cheers.

  2. rothpoetry – Dwight Roth grew up in Southwestern Pennsylvania. He taught elementary school in Eastern North Carolina before retiring after 29 years. Now he lives with his wife Ruth near Monroe, NC, and spends his time painting and writing. He has self-published several books that are found on Amazon Kindle. He is also published in past OMP Anthologies. A book of poems called Ebb and Flow and a children’s book on Alzheimer’s are his latest creations.
    rothpoetry says:

    Letting go and realizing we can’t please everyone is very freeing. Forgiving one’s self and forgiving others is so important to keeping good mental health. You share what many are going through. Thank you for sharing this experience with us.

  3. emergingfromthedarknight – Australia – "The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.
    emergingfromthedarknight says:

    It can be a long tough lesson to learn that the person’s care most needed is our own soul.. I am slowly coming to similar realisations.

  4. DutchIl – Retired, over the hill and gathering speed....no significant other.... Independent, a free spirit in thinking... born again heathen complete with long hair and earrings :) ...not into religious, political or social ideologies... not above sailing against the wind.... exploring life while hanging around to see how it all ends... From the poem Journey of Self Discovery.; I my setting on a journey of my own, The mistakes I make shall be mine, The regrets shall be my defined, Its fall or rise, Time will play a key role, As Frost said, I have an option of two paths ahead of me, One pre decided by my ancestors, less risky and challenging, Other of my own, I decide to take the less travelled one, To mark on journey of my own. (Illahi Bedi) Veteran, SGT, USMC (Vietnam, in country 1965-66, 12th Marine Regiment). COOP/SWOP Observer (since 2001 to present), NWS, ILX, NOAA, Dept of Commerce, USA. Met Weather Office, United Kingdom. Ebird (Cornell Lab of Orinthology/Audubon society). Member; (since 2005 to present) BOINC Project (University of Berkeley, Calif.); Princess Margaret Cancer Center/World Community Grid (Mapping Cancer), Setihome (astrophysics/astrobiology University of Berkeley, Calif.). “Everyday on the path least traveled brings change, that change presents a challenge, mentally and physically, as to how to accept it and deal with it, generates an excitement about living a second of time and looking forward to what the next second of time brings, looking forward to life and enjoying it.” Larry “Dutch” Woller 6/9/2016 “If there is any kindness I can show, or any good I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again” William Penn.
    DutchIl says:

    Thank you for sharing!!… “Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary” (Steve Jobs)… 🙂

    Until we meet again..

    May the sun shine all day long
    Everything go right, nothing go wrong
    May those you love bring love back to you
    And may all the wishes you wish come true
    (Irish Saying)

  5. Wow! Thank you for sharing and inspiring. I too have to forgive myself and start to believe that I am good enough. All my people pleasing was a symptom of my lack of self worth – for feeling somehow that I lost my daughter because bad things happen to bead people. That’s just so wrong. It’s taking a lot of time and effort but I’m definitely on a better path where I nourish my soul and treat myself with more kindness and … forgiveness. Keep tapping those keys. It’s helping more than you know.

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