I think in my perspective of the world, I like to see everyone as trying hard for me, and that all the good wishes I put out are undoubtedly returned to me.
I realise that this is not always the case. For those golden people, like those in my family, and those who are close to me, I think that is true. But for those people I chose, I think most of them did not reciprocate my simple acts of kindness. I don’t think it ever was, I think I just continually tried to fool myself into thinking that it was. And even when I realised, I thought it didn’t matter because I was making someone’s day a little bit better. Eventually I realised I put a lot of consideration into other people’s days, and not into my own.
One of our readers commented saying “You are always Evee, Evee loving flowers, Evee loving people, Evee with loving heart.” And it put a smile on my face.
After a period of time of trying so hard with people who did not care for it, and did not deserve it, I have come to a new realisation. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for telling myself that who I was was not enough. I forgive myself for putting myself in the position of rejection. I forgive myself for the role I played in the situations that unfolded. I was not perfect, I did not behave perfectly, but I think I can always hold my head up high.
Books have always been a fast companion to my life, and recently books have settled me into a safe world of peace again. Gently, they challenge the beliefs I have of myself, other people and the world. It is not aggressive, it is not with purpose, they just calmly narrate away in your head whilst your mind steadily begins to change. Together we build something new.
The book I am currently reading, The School of Life, safely and carefully teaches you about life, people, and yourself. The most resounding comment I have heard is that “We are not beyond improvement, of course, but people simply never need to harm others if they are not first tormented themselves.“
Every day I have been trying to work out how I am the problem. I tried to unwrap every event I took part in, I tried to unpack every comment I made, I tried to re-evaluate how I may have been perceived.
I have come to the realisation that I am utterly exhausted with it. I am exhausted with believing myself to be the problem, and trying so hard to understand everyone else. If everyone got on with everyone, I have a sneaky feeling there would be a lot less fights in the world. I am not perfect, but who the hell is?
So here I am, typing away at my laptop. I have been spending a lot of time on my laptop, my fingers moving in powerful arcs of redemption, crooning the pain out with the tapping of my keys. A lot of the time, most of the stuff I get rid off, and I’m just pleased to get it out of head. There are so many lost words, but I am just grateful to not be thinking them anymore.
I do not see myself as a problem. I do not need to be fixed. I think I am a puzzle piece that ended up in a bag of mixed up puzzle pieces, who are simply trying to work out what the riot of reds, a sweep of blues, and garish purples amount to. It’s a hard job for anyone to do, really.
With loss of friendship, comes forgiveness. I always find it so easy to forgive externally. So often forgiving others leads to more pain, or disregard. Forgiving myself I finally feel the love I held back for myself. It is dizzying to accept yourself for yourself, when you have experienced rejection.
It is easy to look at everything you don’t have, or to compare what you have to something, or someone, else.
So here I am, exhausted but smiling. I am grateful for the things I do have, that brings me joy. I am grateful for books, for the little messages from you all. I am grateful for this journey of growth. I am grateful for breaking down. I am grateful for building myself back up. I am grateful for Katie’s gentle patience and understanding. I am grateful to be Mummy’s daughter, who is polarising, loving and forgiving, just as she raised me to be.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Yet the grass you water will always be the healthiest, and in time, the greenest.
Shit happens. Moving on.
Evee (who loves flowers) x