Growth #1: Anger

I have a plant in my room that I love more than anything. It’s a tradescantia I bought from Lidl for a mere £4.99. It was small, and I nurtured it, looked after it, turning it every day to get enough sun.

When I moved to back to uni, this plant was stunning to me. Large pink and green leaves fell in swathes around the plant, and in the light, it looked like velvet. I decided to prune back the  leaves to inspire more pink growth for my beautiful tradescantia. Yet for some reason, she started to fail on me.

I tried everything I could think of, I bought a growth lamp, I bought fertiliser, I tried to replant shoots, yet anything fresh that I tried to plant shrivelled and died. Turned black, and I had to throw her shoots in the bin.

Eventually I worked it out: the water I was feeding her was hardwater, when all her time with me she was used to soft water. The hard water was saturating her soil with too many minerals, and her soil became toxic.

No wonder nothing would grow there, with her. Eventually, I had to buy bottled water, and eventually she would push up fresh shoots. She would unfold beautiful, small pink leaves and begin to grow again.

Naturally, I am not talking about my Lidl-bought Tradescantia. I’m a lover of metaphors.

My soil was poisonous and I’m washing myself out. I had drawn toxins into myself from my environment, and it happened so slowly that I didn’t realize that nothing that I was planting in myself could ever survive.

I had buried myself trying to fit in, I had turned myself under a cold sun, and I was watering myself under other people’s validation. People who had no time for me, yet I tried so hard with them.

I pruned the leaves I loved best, and I had grown the ones I thought were boring, but everyone liked. That meant a lot of apologising, a lot of second guessing, and a lot of trying too hard.

I am working on myself. I am growing my hobbies with Katie during lockdown. Gratitude fills my heart again. It is clear to me that I lost sight of what made Evee “Evee”. You become the five people you spend the most time with, and I want those people to be people I am proud of.

I missed being me, and waking up and my first thought not being about someone else.

I love me enough for the rest of them.

I miss my Mum more than ever, and it has been so, so hard. I want her to fill me with life when it gets so hard for me to do that for myself.

Evee x

36 thoughts on “Growth #1: Anger

  1. susankgray – Thanks for checking this out! I'm trying to have more good days than bad days, so come join the fun! Yeah, it's not always fun, but I do try. Thank you for visiting, and please come back.
    susankgray says:

    Beautifully written, and such an incredible self-observation! Best wishes for your healing, as we all heal every single day in the struggle of life on Earth. Blessings your way, amiga! Bless your memories and plant friends.

  2. 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ – I write poems which are mental health-themed, creative or humourous :). Within mental health I write a lot about: ADHD, OCD, anxiety, autism, emotional trauma— usually with an optimistic slant. I also have a podcast which I use to expand on my thoughts a bit more: Unheard Mind Podcast — https://audioboom.com/channels/5038250. My goals for my blog and podcast are to give myself a therapeutic, creative outlook for my thoughts/feelings whilst also being able to connect with and relate to other people.
    𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ says:

    This was great .

    And it may have been a metaphor, but you’ve seriously just saved my plants! . I’ve recently started acquiring plants for the first time, and I’ve already had to buy a growing lamp for one of them. But living in the South of England I also have very hard water! So I now need to save my plants xD. Thank you!

    1. 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ – I write poems which are mental health-themed, creative or humourous :). Within mental health I write a lot about: ADHD, OCD, anxiety, autism, emotional trauma— usually with an optimistic slant. I also have a podcast which I use to expand on my thoughts a bit more: Unheard Mind Podcast — https://audioboom.com/channels/5038250. My goals for my blog and podcast are to give myself a therapeutic, creative outlook for my thoughts/feelings whilst also being able to connect with and relate to other people.
      𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ says:

      I also googled Tradescantia plants and I’ve added it to my plants wish list! It’s an addictive hobby, right?

      1. 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ – I write poems which are mental health-themed, creative or humourous :). Within mental health I write a lot about: ADHD, OCD, anxiety, autism, emotional trauma— usually with an optimistic slant. I also have a podcast which I use to expand on my thoughts a bit more: Unheard Mind Podcast — https://audioboom.com/channels/5038250. My goals for my blog and podcast are to give myself a therapeutic, creative outlook for my thoughts/feelings whilst also being able to connect with and relate to other people.
        𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ says:

        They are cool too!

        Though, after I also found these plants: Calathea Surprise Star,

        I’m not sure if green plants can cut it for me now!

      1. 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ – I write poems which are mental health-themed, creative or humourous :). Within mental health I write a lot about: ADHD, OCD, anxiety, autism, emotional trauma— usually with an optimistic slant. I also have a podcast which I use to expand on my thoughts a bit more: Unheard Mind Podcast — https://audioboom.com/channels/5038250. My goals for my blog and podcast are to give myself a therapeutic, creative outlook for my thoughts/feelings whilst also being able to connect with and relate to other people.
        𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑵 ☄️ says:

        Haha, wow ok. I’m going to look for a water filter or something!

  3. emergingfromthedarknight – Australia – "The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.
    emergingfromthedarknight says:

    I like to think our Mums are with us everyday. We go on missing them a lot… <3

  4. My mum has been gone over 20 years and still, occasionally, the rawness of grief catches up on me. I loved this post and I think it gives us all great insight into you and into ourselves! Thank you for sharing it!

  5. Love this. I notice that what I really need, is sometimes buried deeper than I care to look. And, if I sit quietly and let it come to me, I am often amazed at the core answer. Sometimes I don’t like the answer, but as Kurt Vonnegut said, “It’s not about likes or dislikes.” Take care of you.

  6. LaDonna Remy – United States – I am a trauma and attachment therapist, who works in a private practice setting. My passion is in exploring and supporting exploration of the human condition. I love writing, reading, learning, exploring nature, and spending time in connection with those I love. My blog, Perspective on Trauma. shares thoughts on a variety of topics including social justice, emotional well-being, trauma and attachment, grief and loss, and moving forward. I am hopeful you will find something that speaks to you here. I welcome your thoughts and comments.
    LaDonna Remy MSW, LICSW: Perspective on Trauma says:

    Beautiful metaphors and self reflection. Grief has many many layers and it takes lots of time and self love to navigate it. I am sending you lots of care.

  7. I struggle with hard water. I think from my perspective I find it hard to see I am able so thank you for being an example “My soil was poisonous and I’m washing myself out. I had drawn toxins into myself from my environment, and it happened so slowly that I didn’t realize that nothing that I was planting in myself could ever survive.”

      1. He was, is a great man. He did a whole lot with his life and you know wasnt perfect but responsible with a good heart. We all have to deal with grief, together

  8. I guess it’s about just finding your own way to live and grow. It takes time, so much uncertainty, frustration and sadness. I’m still working on it. You are such a wonderful person with so much in front of you. You are and will be such a bright shining star. xx

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