Taking a Step Back

What does it mean to take a step back?

We all know that mental health slowly gets better, and I think we imagine it as a steady upward trajectory. The fact of life is that nothing in this world is ever a steady trajectory upwards. Mental health is like meandering threads which make up a your life in a tapestry. some areas the threads are present, other areas the threads are lost amongst other colours, or non-existent at all.

That’s how I see it anyway.

I think at the minute my mental health is taking a blow. It is fine, and things will settle down soon. But one of the symptoms of this, is the fact I’ve had a few night terrors again.

I’ve written a few posts about the joys of night terrors, which I’ll link below. I don’t want to go to deeply into it, I would prefer to share how it’s made me feel.

It’s frightening going to sleep again, but I have found a few ways of working through this fear: I imagine wiping off a whiteboard all the things I’m worried about. It’s something else to think about, and it usually always works!

I try my hardest to tell myself I am not a failure with my mental health taking a step back. Instead I try to imagine that I am one scary night closer to my last one.

Some days I just feel quiet and unmotivated, and I just want time to gently pass me by without too much disruption. Other days I laugh so much and I feel light and buoyant. I think that’s just the way of things.

I am overly anxious at the minute; I worry about every tiny thing. From shoes getting dirty to picking my nails to friendships, the future, and then back to purely cosmetic anxieties. I will say this is the most exhausting aspect of the point I am at. I would feel so relieved if I could just have a moment of peace in my brain.

I promise myself that peace will come, and I do truly accept and believe that. It’s just a matter of time.

I still do my acts of self care; but I am finding I don’t really care anymore about floating in a bath or combing my hair.

I think the route of the problem is just that I want change, a new direction and a fresh sense of purpose.

Most of all; I miss my mum with every fibre of my being. I feel like I might as well have lost her yesterday.

I hope all of you are doing well; if not, this will all be over soon.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

Evee

28 thoughts on “Taking a Step Back

  1. Mason Bushell – Mason Bushell, is chef, author and wildlife photographer. He loves spending time exploring the woods and countryside with his dog and camera in tow. Lucy dog has been known to steal his laptop to force him to go walkies too! All spelling, grammar and punctuation errors on this website are not mistakes they're intentional, (As I couldn't bloody find them while editing!) Feel free to contact and find Mason Bushell here: www.twitter.com/MBWorkhouse www.facebook.com/MBWorkhouse All Stories, poems, photos and pieces on the site are copyrighted to Mason Bushell or the original owner as stated (c)2018-2020
    Mason Bushell says:

    I’m sorry you go through night terrors. Those and just never managing to sleep at all are awful. I have them a lot when my head is full of my failure demons.

    All we can do is be strong together, help each other and happiness will return some day.

  2. Evee,
    Ebb and flow
    Up and down
    Ride the wave
    But never drown.
    Going under?
    Pop back up
    the surface beckons
    to safely float.
    Floating is fine
    until you’re stronger
    then start swimming
    for a little longer.
    Rinse and repeat
    and so it goes
    cry it out
    until nothing flows.
    Mourning first
    then healing begins
    but back and forth
    while the world spins.
    XO Lisa

  3. clairei47 – My name is Claire. I am a mum, a wife and I work for the NHS. For as long as I can remember I have drank alcohol and my relationship with it has become increasingly complex over recent years. I’m 47 and I want to be physically and mentally healthy. I want to be present in my life and enjoy the journey, not drown it out with wine and hangovers. I have had anxiety and depression and I am still working hard to keep them at bay. I am hoping that not having alcohol will help me beat them. I have decided to detail how things progress via this blog. I know nothing about blogging but I think support from others is essential. Maybe one day I can help someone with my story. I started my sober journey on 17th November 2019; long may it continue.
    clairei47 says:

    Busy brains and over thinking is completely exhausting. Peace will come again. Give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel and cry. Accept that some days will be a success simply by reaching the end. That’s ok. Take good care of yourself xx

    1. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
      tkbrownwriter says:

      Art is a very good way to peace. Emotions can be expressed in writing, painting, sketching or even needle crafts and cooking. Whatever you enjoy doing. Painting can be done in the abstract where you just paint with no specific picture or purpose. Art is very good therapy. Play is too. If you know someone with whom you can play board games or whatever you are into. It is a good way to learn how to have fun again.

      1. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
        tkbrownwriter says:

        Yes, that will be good! I just ask that you acknowledge me as the source. Blessings!

  4. Hi Evee. My heart truly goes out to you. Going through all of this and being able to put it in writing is on another level. I will be sharing this on my site as in this past week I have interacted with a few, including myself, who have been experiencing very much the same.
    Lots of love and care being sent your way. Absolutely love your work. All the best Sean

  5. Yer know in some part of the world, I’ve heard of a tribe or perhaps it’s plural: tribes, that instead of isolating and leaving well alone those that feel the way you do, they get them into the community dance circle. Now, of course I can’t come over and say “Hey Evee, let’s put on some music and dance, come on, let’s do it and see what comes of it”, because that’s not how it’s done here (or perhaps there), but you are part of my tribe, so “Hey Evee, put on some music and dance, come on Beloved one, see what comes of it”. I’m going to start with Tones and I ~ Dance Monkey, then attempt some Bhangra to Sia’s Cheap thrills… Love you like an aunty, Over Soil

    1. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
      tkbrownwriter says:

      Listening to music can sooth the soul. I have just laid down and closed my eyes and listened. It helped me relax — especially at the end of a long day. Blessings!

  6. I think, for me, that the most difficult thing about grieving, is that there is no container, it is free flowing and contingent on so many things. There is no “over it now place.” My connection, and depth of connection, manifests in the process of grieving.
    For me, accepting that grief will find different voices and speak at different times is the process of grieving. Numbing sometimes. I do hold the belief that I would rather stay in the process and aware than wall myself off from the feeling and pretend to be OK. I’ve done that and it simply isn’t real. May you have deep compassion for yourself in process. A smile for you..

  7. That you have the courage to name your fears, describe them and put them on paper, is no small feat. They can not over power you now that you have seen them. Keep watching them, describing them, calling them out and you will be fine. Sending love and power your way! Stay blessed and keep writing.

  8. All the beat Sean!!Sharing your thoughts is a huge thing.Please take care

  9. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
    tkbrownwriter says:

    I agree. I can relate to your grief. I lost both my parents–my mom two decades ago and my dad three decades ago. There are days I still wish I could talk to them again. While I know and accept that I cannot, it does not keep me from remembering how nice it would be to talk to them. I try to focus on the good I got from talking to them when they were here. That way I am reforming the grief into something positive.

      1. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
        tkbrownwriter says:

        Thank You! I would rather the part about my personal losses not be shared. I believe I should be the only one to share those. Thank You though! I appreciate you asking. Blessings!

  10. tkbrownwriter – I believe family is a gift from God and should be treated as such. I love writing with a broad array of intent and purpose. I have written poetry virtually all my life, and much nonfiction in academia. My expanded efforts in all areas have finally taken off in retirement. I have much to accomplish now that I have the time. Other hobbies are painting, researching ancestry and myriad topics for my writing, knitting, crocheting, cooking -- always trying new recipes and always cooking for my health. I have many other hobbies, but these seem to dominate most of my time. Oh, did I mention I am the mother of three grown children and grandmother of seven. I have been blessed immensely and am the happier for it.https://twitter.com/tkbrownwriter/photo
    tkbrownwriter says:

    Evee, I am impressed by the way you are able to share your grief and other emotions with your readers. The road to recovery is not a straight path. It has many spirals in it. The key is to keep them going upward instead of downward. You have shown that you wish to help others with your sharing. For that reason, I have nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award created by Rising Star at Team Ideal Inspiration — idealinspiration.blog. The URL for the page where I nominated you is: https://tkbrownwriter.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/very-inspiring-blogger-award-the-ideal-inspiration-award-rising-star-team-ideal-inspiration-idealinspiration-blog-chasingthemaximumlife-wordpres-com-tkbrown-tkbrownwriter-tkbrownwriter-wordpress-com-i/. Blessings!

  11. I so understand this. Taking a step back often works. It was like when I climbed. Often the best way to the top is to retreat and wait for better weather or to take cafes steps back or move sideways. It might seem like a negative thing to do, but so often doing so actually yields a better route up again. xx

  12. Hamish – Finding what you love and expressing this to the world is one of the most important things you can do. I love to write, and to see people achieve their dreams, especially ones thought impossible.
    Hamish says:

    Kia kaha (stay strong). Thank you for sharing, and offering light into the world.

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