What does it mean to take a step back?
We all know that mental health slowly gets better, and I think we imagine it as a steady upward trajectory. The fact of life is that nothing in this world is ever a steady trajectory upwards. Mental health is like meandering threads which make up a your life in a tapestry. some areas the threads are present, other areas the threads are lost amongst other colours, or non-existent at all.
That’s how I see it anyway.
I think at the minute my mental health is taking a blow. It is fine, and things will settle down soon. But one of the symptoms of this, is the fact I’ve had a few night terrors again.
I’ve written a few posts about the joys of night terrors, which I’ll link below. I don’t want to go to deeply into it, I would prefer to share how it’s made me feel.
It’s frightening going to sleep again, but I have found a few ways of working through this fear: I imagine wiping off a whiteboard all the things I’m worried about. It’s something else to think about, and it usually always works!
I try my hardest to tell myself I am not a failure with my mental health taking a step back. Instead I try to imagine that I am one scary night closer to my last one.
Some days I just feel quiet and unmotivated, and I just want time to gently pass me by without too much disruption. Other days I laugh so much and I feel light and buoyant. I think that’s just the way of things.
I am overly anxious at the minute; I worry about every tiny thing. From shoes getting dirty to picking my nails to friendships, the future, and then back to purely cosmetic anxieties. I will say this is the most exhausting aspect of the point I am at. I would feel so relieved if I could just have a moment of peace in my brain.
I promise myself that peace will come, and I do truly accept and believe that. It’s just a matter of time.
I still do my acts of self care; but I am finding I don’t really care anymore about floating in a bath or combing my hair.
I think the route of the problem is just that I want change, a new direction and a fresh sense of purpose.
Most of all; I miss my mum with every fibre of my being. I feel like I might as well have lost her yesterday.
I hope all of you are doing well; if not, this will all be over soon.