Happy Sunday everyone,
It’s a pleasure to be able to share another post from Gary, over at bereavedsingledad.blog. This week we are exploring the sense of identity after bereavement and how grief can seemingly change your sense of self. We have also written a little something on the topic over at Gary’s blog too, so make sure you go on over and have a read!
Katie and Evee x
What has happened to me? Has grief really changed me as a person?
I remember watching a movie where the lead character was trying to complete an Identity Profile for a dating website. He was most unimpressed that his less than honest answers had not immediately given him gold star status. Flagged him up immediately as a truly exceptional catch. The type of person everybody would be desperate to meet. A cross between Captain America, Tom Hanks, Carl Sagan and Will Smith.
This was back in 2017 and about a year after I had lost my partner and mother. It was a dreadful movie but it did make me think. What happened to my identity? Clearly I was not the same person. Grief had seemingly changed me. I was so confused. Where had the real me gone? Actually was this the new me? What was my identity profile? Back then if I had been completing the personality profile truthfully, my answers would have been something like this.
Deeply introverted, avoids any social interaction,
Keeps to himself,
Complete lack of confidence,
Expects nothing but failure,
Currently no hobbies,
Avoids eye contact,
Tries not to smile or laugh,
Sense of humour failure,
Desperately tries not to have a good time,
Actually thinks it’s wrong to be happy as I’m grieving,
Avoids showing emotions in public,
Always puts on a faceless mask in public,
Favourite expressions are ‘I’m ok’ and ‘I’m alright’,
Absolutely no ambitions or dreams,
Bit of a failure really, not sure why I am bothering. Only completing this because someone told me to….
That profile was not exactly going to entice many people to want to spend any time with me. But that was me back in 2017. Bereavement and Grief had taken their toll on me. Not only had I lost two precious souls but I had also been drained of my life force. I was no more than a shadow of my former self. My true self hidden. Buried and gathering dust. In my eyes that was what you did when your were bereaved. Life was just about existing, nothing else. Tears followed tears.
But the real me was still there. Waiting for the right time to reawaken again. Slowly that process started. The key point coming when I realised that yes it was ok to be sad, but equally it was ok to be happy as well. Enjoying life again did not make me a bad person. I was the same person who had met my partner and made her laugh all those years ago. Yes older, a little bit more battered but fundamentally still ME. But crucially a person who was a little wiser, understood a lot more about the who they were and had finally decided to start living again. One day I might revisit my personality profile. I strongly suspect the answers will be a little different this time around.