Before The Worst

Before the worst, there was a point in my life where I had my mum, three little cats and a happiness that knew not of the grief that would intrude on my life. Before the worst,  I knew my mum’s phone number off by heart and we would speak about five times a day, neither of us running out of things to say.  

When we were just on the brink of the worst, we FaceTimed and neither of us had known it would be the last time – I still have that call logged on my laptop beside her funny little photo.

Now, after the worst has been and gone, I have learned to find a new happy.

A new happy that remembers the grief that robbed my family back in 2018 but shows up anyway. A happy that gives a little sad sigh at the end of each day and says “I wish I could facetime my mum”. 

I had to get a new phone recently. For the first time, I don’t have that funny little photo and 11 digit combination at hand, recalling the constant conversation we used to share, before the worst. 

But I remember it off by heart all the same.

I wish I could FaceTime my mum. 

~

With all of the disruption going on in the world, I hope you are taking care of yourself. Now more than ever it is important to remember to take a look back through your happy memories that you have bookmarked.

Please remember that you are not alone.

Katie

42 thoughts on “Before The Worst

  1. Sheila Murrey – Florida – I'm the author of the book, "Take It Upon Yourself to Live a Wholly Vibrant Life”, as well as two blogs. I write about holistic health and wellness, and spiritual topics. My intention is to share what I have learned and integrated into my daily life to help uplift and lighten others. Everyone can live a balanced, soul-aligned, and wholly vibrant life! I am a holistic health and well-being event emcee, and Soul-aligned wedding officiant (notary public), in the beautiful sunny state of Florida. I am a vibrant spiritual being living a Soul-connected earthly experience. My mantras: Align with Spirit in ALL ways. Go with your "God bumps" flow to FEEL your Soul-alignment ALL the time. Study at your Passion. Gather knowledge. Pray. Meditate. Then, Take It Upon Yourself to walk your talk, practice what you preach, and integrate all you learn into your day-to-day, so you joyfully express Omni-everything! We Are All Connected. Life's an ADVENTURE! Now, go have FUN! Disclaimer: My full-time profession is in relational database systems and software. I am creative and technical, currently working full-time as a senior applications systems analyst. I am NOT a doctor or health practitioner, though I work with natural and holistic health professionals as a writer and emcee at health festivals and events. I encourage folks to seek multiple opinions for any health dis-eases. I support you in your quest to find holistic, licensed, professional health and wellness providers. I am mostly a plant-based eater, more tree hugger than consumer, advocate of simple living, full-time RVer, and grandmother of three fantastic granddaughters (who live far from me, but with whom I video conference weekly and visit at least once a year for a month or more). OM
    Sheila Murrey says:

    I am sorry.

    1. Yes, some days I am really taken aback by how far we have come in such little time, and just how much i will always miss my mum. But I am really comforted to be able to share my grief within this community on wordpress. Have a lovely weekend!

      Katie x

  2. OIKOS™-Editorial – ESLARN-Weiden (Europe - Germany) – We are a small newspaper located in Germany, near Czech Republic. You will find our monthly magazine at www.issuu.com/smde. --------------------------- During GDPR-conflicts our blog is privatizised since May, 25, but all reblogs and postings are automatically for warded to our Twitter-Account @EslarnerZeitung, and connected RSS-portals. ----------- Wir berichten u.a. auch aus der bayerisch-tschechischen Grenzregion. Blog zum kostenlosen, monatlichen pdf-Magazin "DEEZ" (ISSN: 2366-4908). Gibts nur unter: issuu.com/smde
    OIKOS™-Publishing says:

    You have found a good balance. Enjoy life, and thank you for the motivating posting.Have a beautiful weekend. Michael

      1. OIKOS™-Editorial – ESLARN-Weiden (Europe - Germany) – We are a small newspaper located in Germany, near Czech Republic. You will find our monthly magazine at www.issuu.com/smde. --------------------------- During GDPR-conflicts our blog is privatizised since May, 25, but all reblogs and postings are automatically for warded to our Twitter-Account @EslarnerZeitung, and connected RSS-portals. ----------- Wir berichten u.a. auch aus der bayerisch-tschechischen Grenzregion. Blog zum kostenlosen, monatlichen pdf-Magazin "DEEZ" (ISSN: 2366-4908). Gibts nur unter: issuu.com/smde
        OIKOS™-Publishing says:

        Indeed. Thank you too.

  3. Barbara Franken – Benalmadena, Malaga, Spain – IAM Barbara, a Creative Writer, Artist and New Energy Consciousness Pioneer living with my husband Tom on the Costa del Sol in Southern Spain. Embracing a life of freedom and celebration in each moment, no matter what is happening! My Passion and Mission... My love for creative writing and painting helps me to document my Ascension journey that allows me fulfil my mission for inspiring Humanity to explore, discover and express their own unique and essential place in the heart of Our Magnificent World. My Vision... Hearts AWAKENING to their highest potential, INTEGRATING with their Multi-dimensional Body Consciousness and EMBODYING their truth right here on the Earth plane for them to live a life of celebration. We all find ourselves living in extraordinary times... It is a great shift of consciousness. A time and opportunity for all humanity to naturally expand consciousness and bring in New Energy to serve in new and wondrous ways. Hearts are opening wide to receive new truths of who we are and what life is all about. Hearts are choosing to step out of old enslaved and dramatic lives to embrace a new multi-dimensional reality in all freedom and celebration. We are the New Standards, Multi-Dimensional DivineHuman's who are ready to live a most sensual and magical experience right here on the physical plane. What I discovered on my own journey, fully opened my heart to realise the truth of Our Magnificent World and My Magnificent Self... AND has inspired the Artist and Writer within to share my story... my experience with YOU. My True Love Story... I have published my ASCENSION Journey, Your Magnificent Self... A Journey to Freedom. A journey falling in love with ALL of myself that allowed me to step out of the Human game of success & failure and live a life of love and unity. The energy of my book will inspire YOUR heart to open and sense your own truth. My Class... AND created a MasterCreator Class, local and online for you to commit to and celebrate your own Mastery and Creator Being Self, lovingly observing yourself integrate and embody your Divine Multi-Dimensional Self in preparation of birthing your own new role as New Energy Consciousness Pioneer AND be the new standard. My Charity... With donations received from my books and classes I fund my Charity Association Consciencia Magnifica that brings FREE local Creative Art Projects to our children AND people struggling with Wellness. http://www.memymagnificentself.com
    Barbara Franken says:

    Feeling the presence of all our loved ones who are journeying beyond… probably dancing a little as we remember them. Do you feel them? I know my dad is doing his happy dance now, smiling down at us as we wander through these very changing times. Much love, Barbara x

  4. Katie I give you an idea. Every year on the birthday of your mum you can organise evening of her with songs, books she loved and obviously cake.
    Greetings from Bulgaria.

  5. Amelia F. Adjepon-Yamoah – I live in Ghana but sometimes travel to other countries. – I turned 76 years this year (2019).I am married with children and I am also a grandmother. I retired as a librarian in 2004. I am a Christian who loves her church and Bible class members. My older siblings are a very important part of my life. I also love relating to young people who love my company so we share ideas and learn from our experiences. I keep in touch with friends and school mates I have known for over 50 years. I believe everyone who wants to get married must prepare for that life by learning what that relationship entails. And after marriage to do their best to keep their marriage together, enjoyable and inspiring to others.
    Amelia F. Adjepon-Yamoah says:

    I can understand how much you miss your mom. I pray more of the wonderful memories about and with her fill your heart and mind as time goes on.

  6. A poignant and beautiful post. Losing a loved one is not easy. Continue to smile and know she’s forever in your heart. Peace.

  7. I wish I could go to the pub with your mum.
    To have a glass of wine and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and to see way she would rip them open.
    We talked and talked about our children about our lives, past and future.
    I miss her dreadfully and I think – when was the last time we did this. It was at the Cockhaven Manor in Bishopsteignton.
    I miss her dreadfully but am blessed to have had her in my life . She will always be a part of it and for that I so grateful. I have you Katie and Evee as part of her.
    All my love xx

    1. We secretly got annoyed when she’d rip open the bag because she would eat them all, when we were meant to be “sharing”! haha
      Mummy would absolutely want the same. Especially now the summer days are so nice and long.
      We are so grateful to have you in our lives, because you are as much a part of her for us, as we are for you 🙂 xxxx all our love, love you Paula <3

  8. dfolstad58 – I live in the South Okanagan. BC. I enjoy reading, exercise, toastmasters. spending time with my son, my daughter, & her husband , and my patient wife. I try to respond personally to every comment on my blog, and in this way I hope to get to know my readers a little bit and say thank you for their encouragement and suggestions.
    dfolstad58 says:

    How wonderful that you and your Mom talked so regularly and connected so effortlessly. Those are special sweet memories

  9. Kate Duff – Hi my name is Kate and I am the writer, photographer and poet behind athousandbitsofpaper.com. I have written a couple of books you might enjoy - check them out on the books page of this site. The content is pretty diverse as you will see so I hope you find something you enjoy 😊
    athousandbitsofpaper says:

    I still my Mum too – the phone still recalls her birthday and I haven’t erased it because…she was here and I loved her so much.

      1. Kate Duff – Hi my name is Kate and I am the writer, photographer and poet behind athousandbitsofpaper.com. I have written a couple of books you might enjoy - check them out on the books page of this site. The content is pretty diverse as you will see so I hope you find something you enjoy 😊
        athousandbitsofpaper says:

        Same to you X

  10. Hugs! This post indeed is bittersweet.. thanks for wishing us well considering that you are dealing with something yourself… I am glad you’ve got a new phone.. It’s a step closer…

    1. Hi Janis, thank you for commenting your support, somedays grief hits a little harder than others and yesterday was definitely one of them! Oh me too, my old phone was on it’s last legs haha, but I have stored it away in my memory box now 🙂

      Happy Sunday

  11. True. I understand what you mean about grief. There’s a loss that happened several years ago, but there are days that I cry about it like it was only yesterday. You’ve got an amazing outlet for yours… I wish you well and thanks for sharing…

    1. Exactly, on those days I really try to look after myself and have written a post called Grief Day if you’re interested in taking a look 🙂 I wish you well too, Janis 🙂

      Katie x

  12. m. Gadelmawla – “Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.” ― Kahlil Gibran, Broken Wings
    m. Gadelmawla says:

    The best thing to remember your mum with, is to do a good deed (Ongoing Charity) in behave of her. She will be happy and you too.

  13. Jeff Cann – Jeff Cann lives, works, writes, and runs in Gettysburg Pennsylvania. His essays and stories have appeared in the Good Men Project and Like the Wind magazine, as well as various blog sites dealing with the topics of mental health and running. Jeff is married with two children. When he isn’t working, parenting or writing, he can be found hiking or running the wooded trails surrounding Gettysburg. Jeff’s two books, “Fragments – a memoir” and "BAD ASS--My Quest to Become a Back Woods Trail Runner and other obsessive goals" are both available from Amazon.com. A growing collection of stories can be found on his website at https://jefftcann.com.
    Jeff Cann says:

    Exactly. My mom died when I was 21 and just moving out of the family home. It took years for me to break the habit of wanting to pick up the phone and call her every time something good or bad happened. I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times but 36 years later I have no grief for her (except in the abstract ‘sad that someone should die so young’ way) but I’m left with warm, loving memories that make me smile.

    1. cookingwithloveandspices – Texas, USA – Cooking is my art form. I love to have fun with flavors and really enjoy the food. It just so happens that my food is part of a healthy lifestyle. My blog is dedicated to my mom and grandmother because I learned to cook by watching them. I love to cook for my friends and make them feel welcome in my home. WELCOME to my blog:)
      cookingwithloveandspices says:

      That is awesome. I hope I get there someday.

    2. cookingwithloveandspices – Texas, USA – Cooking is my art form. I love to have fun with flavors and really enjoy the food. It just so happens that my food is part of a healthy lifestyle. My blog is dedicated to my mom and grandmother because I learned to cook by watching them. I love to cook for my friends and make them feel welcome in my home. WELCOME to my blog:)
      cookingwithloveandspices says:

      That is awesome. Hope I get there someday.

  14. Here in the world nobody is alone,but it is separate matter that anyone wants to live alone.

  15. cookingwithloveandspices – Texas, USA – Cooking is my art form. I love to have fun with flavors and really enjoy the food. It just so happens that my food is part of a healthy lifestyle. My blog is dedicated to my mom and grandmother because I learned to cook by watching them. I love to cook for my friends and make them feel welcome in my home. WELCOME to my blog:)
    cookingwithloveandspices says:

    Its comforting to hear from you that I am not alone. I too have learned to find a new happy after losing my mom. I use my cooking blog to keep her memory alive. Whenever I am cooking I feel like she is right there.

  16. What a heartfelt post. Im so sorry for you loss and know how very hard it is to loose your mum especially when your so young.

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