Before the worst, there was a point in my life where I had my mum, three little cats and a happiness that knew not of the grief that would intrude on my life. Before the worst, I knew my mum’s phone number off by heart and we would speak about five times a day, neither of us running out of things to say.
When we were just on the brink of the worst, we FaceTimed and neither of us had known it would be the last time – I still have that call logged on my laptop beside her funny little photo.
Now, after the worst has been and gone, I have learned to find a new happy.
A new happy that remembers the grief that robbed my family back in 2018 but shows up anyway. A happy that gives a little sad sigh at the end of each day and says “I wish I could facetime my mum”.
I had to get a new phone recently. For the first time, I don’t have that funny little photo and 11 digit combination at hand, recalling the constant conversation we used to share, before the worst.
But I remember it off by heart all the same.
I wish I could FaceTime my mum.
With all of the disruption going on in the world, I hope you are taking care of yourself. Now more than ever it is important to remember to take a look back through your happy memories that you have bookmarked.
Please remember that you are not alone.