Guest Post From BereavedSingleDad: Dad

One of our most inspiring bloggers, @bereavedsingledad , has agreed to write a guest post for us about the loss of his father when he was younger. It is a lovely post, and we are very grateful that Gary was able to write for us. Here is the link to his blog, so you can give him a read; grab a cup of tea, because you’ll be reading for a while! As soon as you start, you won’t want to stop.

Katie & Evee x

~


Wind the clock back many years. I was in my final year at university. My Dad had been ill for many years. Looking back I’m not sure what quality of life he had in the end: many of the things he loved doing had been taken from him due to his ill health. But one thing he still clung onto was to see me get my degree. I was the first in the family ever to go onto higher education. He was so thrilled when I got a place in University.  So excited (even more than me) at the prospect of getting a degree.  In the end he left us two months before I got my final results. 

The day he left us is still etched on my mind. It started no differently to many other days. A quiet Saturday. Dad was not good but he’d looked that way for months. The difference on that particular Saturday was that I had tickets to go and see Deep Purple. All went smoothly until midway through the concert. Without warning a shiver went down my spine. He was gone. I just knew it. It was a time before mobile phones, so I couldn’t confirm my fears until I arrived back at my parents house. As the house came into view the site of all the family cars outside confirmed the worst. He had died around the time I had sensed it.

Can’t explain the premonition. Maybe it was just one of those things. But even after all those years I can still vividly remember that feel. I can’t remember much about the funeral or the weeks after his death; Just the realisation that he was gone. The other thing was that feeling of emptiness. A door had locked shut on a part of my life. As hard as I tried the lock on that door would never open. I tried. I tried many times. But it was never going to open again.

Slowly I picked up the courage to move away from that locked door. To start to live again. The pain of loss slowly became less intense. It would strike less frequently. Random things would bring it on. Usually something to do with his favourite things. Someone cutting their lawn. Someone working in a greenhouse. A person sat outside a pub reading a newspaper. Seeing an advert for his favourite chocolate. Hearing one of his records on the radio. But as the years turned into decades even those triggers became less tender.

Life without him became the new normal.  I learned to fully live my own life.  He was certainly not forgotten, still loved, and still missed. But the pain had ebbed. Replaced with a frustration. A frustration at myself.

Why did I keep so few keepsakes of his?

What did happen to the old photographs?

AND above all why did I not ask more questions? Find out more about him before he left us? He was my Dad yet I hardly knew him. His back story. His life before me and our family. How much did I miss. The answer is sadly – an awful lot. Only a few years ago my sister stumbled across some long lost document which showed Dad was divorced before be met mum. That was news to all the siblings. That one fact opened up another 1000 questions which will now never be answered.  Sadly by then mum had also left us. 

Losing my Dad at a relatively young age was tough. Yes it still frustrates the hell out of me. But life goes on. As one door shut on one life, my door stayed open.  Yes it’s good to go back occasionally to that old door and look through the window. To see old memories. But while your door remains open, live life to the full and fill your space with great memories.

22 thoughts on “Guest Post From BereavedSingleDad: Dad

  1. Seoul Sister – Oakland, California – Judy Kim was born in Seoul, South Korea and grew up in the United States of America. She’s a 2018 New York Foundation for the Arts artist.
    Judy Kim says:

    This story helps me in my grieving process, thank you.

  2. weedjee – Madrid, España , Spain – Persona con un monton de inquietudes amante de la musica, los libros y viajes y de las buenas conversaciones A man and lots of challengers , fan of goodie tunes, books and travels besides of braining gatherings ...!!! Mi CV Online
    weedjee says:

    Well it’s a spellbound blog and grief reality with positivism. Happy Sun and take care

  3. carol hopkins – Canada – I am Canadian. I love this beautiful country and hope to discover more of it.. I enjoy writing, photography, and walks on nature trails and beaches. I am passionate about human rights and my favourite stories to read are uplifting and inspirational stories. I believe in the innate nobility of the human spirit and I endeavor to be positive. I have learned many lessons over the years, but most importantly I have witnessed the inherent goodness of peoples near and far. I hope my writing reflects that. All photographs used in my blog are mine, unless otherwise stated. Contact: camhopkins97@gmail.com
    carol hopkins says:

    So beautifully said, Gary. Your words touch my own wounds as both my parents died many years ago when I was also relatively young. But, as you said, it is good to “look into the window” where memories are stored. Thank you for sharing this.

  4. The Hinoeuma – East Coast – Smart ass blogger, cast iron cook, coffee gulper, tea sipper, chocolate muncher, amateur photographer, history buff, newbie astrologer, Solar Virgoan, Lunar Piscean, Libra Rising, Chinese Firehorse, Welsh/Scottish/Native American mix, animal lover, feline mama and a pick-up truck driving computer geek.
    The Hinoeuma says:

    Excellent post. Excellent share.

  5. Osyth – Cantal – Author and play-write who prefers the epithet storyteller. English born, many years in France, now based in Massachusetts. Publisher: la Maison Carrée Press
    Osyth says:

    Thank you for this post …. your recollections are clear and sharp, your perspective all too resonant. I didn’t know your father but your words somehow evoke a man I recognise. And your words evoke feelings I recognise …. the frustration of not being better prepared for the passing of that iconic figure in a life. The lack of questions, the moment passed. That. You have also, via your own blog led me to Katie and Evee for which I suspect no amount of thanks will be enough.

  6. pensitivity101 – I am a retired number cruncher with a vivid imagination and wacky sense of humour which extends to short stories and poetry. I love to cook and am a bit of a dog whisperer as I get on better with them than people sometimes! We have an elderly dog called Maggie who adopted us as a 7 week old pup in March 2005. From 2014 to 2017 'Home' was a 41 foot narrow boat where we made strong friendships both on and off the water. We were close to nature enjoying swan and duck families for neighbours, and it was a fascinating chapter in our lives. We now reside in a small bungalow on the Lincolnshire coast where we have forged new friendships and interests.
    pensitivity101 says:

    Lovely post Gary. I was with my dad when he passed away in 1996. Sadly I could not be with my Mum when she died in January 2018, so I said my goodbyes the morning of the funeral, putting in four red roses, a little note from me, and two dog biscuits. I miss them both, but they are always with me.

  7. Tina – The best is yet to come. “Hope is one of the Theological virtues. This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do. It does not mean that we are to leave the present world as it is. If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next.” – C.S. Lewis/Mere Christianity <3 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." --Romans 12:12
    Tina says:

    I agree. Gary is a very inspiring blogger! I don’t like to miss a post! Thanks for sharing. I read your post on his blog as well. Your mom would be so proud of you both. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings as well. <3

  8. frithtreasure1 – I am an experienced registered nurse registeted midwife for the past 17 years , i am also trained in community health. I have authored a book A Guide to Maternity Care Annotated. I am working as a nurse educator at one of the largest school of nursing in the caribbean. I do midwifery consultation
    frithtreasure1 says:

    Wow… thanks so much for sharing and so sorry about your loss. But you have given lessons here to take from your post… Communicate, live your life make memories.
    I too need to connect with my dad and get to really know him.
    From this post i think i need to do some deep reflections.

  9. OIKOS™-Editorial – ESLARN-Weiden (Europe - Germany) – We are a small newspaper located in Germany, near Czech Republic. You will find our monthly magazine at www.issuu.com/smde. --------------------------- During GDPR-conflicts our blog is privatizised since May, 25, but all reblogs and postings are automatically for warded to our Twitter-Account @EslarnerZeitung, and connected RSS-portals. ----------- Wir berichten u.a. auch aus der bayerisch-tschechischen Grenzregion. Blog zum kostenlosen, monatlichen pdf-Magazin "DEEZ" (ISSN: 2366-4908). Gibts nur unter: issuu.com/smde
    OIKOS™-Publishing says:

    Thank you for a wonderful motivating post, Gary. I fully agree, there is a time for grief, always time for remembrance, but one should not forget living the own life. Thats why we here on earth. Michael

  10. I remember when I lost my mother in law and my grandpa all in the same month of April.
    Its a time for grieving process but also to remember the good memories and thrive forward.

    I know its difficult and one can’t never forget but we have to be strong within. A heartfelt post.

  11. vincenza63 – Writer e blogger per passione, 56 anni, vivo in provincia di Milano. Nella vita traduco testi tecnici e scrivo. Sono un'appassionata di musica, letteratura, amici, allegria, meditazione e riflessione.
    vincenza63 says:

    Sweet Gary <3
    hugs from Italy
    Vicky

      1. vincenza63 – Writer e blogger per passione, 56 anni, vivo in provincia di Milano. Nella vita traduco testi tecnici e scrivo. Sono un'appassionata di musica, letteratura, amici, allegria, meditazione e riflessione.
        vincenza63 says:

        Indeed! The same do I

  12. Cheryl, Gulf Coast Poet – Gulf Coast of Florida – A retired teacher, I live with my significant other on the Gulf Coast of Florida. I enjoy the beach, walking outdoors, movies, and reading. Hanging Out with Wild Animals is a book series of photos and poems about my encounters with Florida animals. Wonders is a book of poems inspired by the men I have known and loved. Life in Inspiring Places is a book of photos and poems about the places rich in history and natural beauty that I have called home. Excerpts from the books and additional poems can be found on my website. Cheryl Batavia
    gulfcoastpoet@gmail.com says:

    Gary, thank you for sharing the story about your dad. I read it with interest and remembered losing my own father. All the best, Cheryl

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