In a post called “My Life with Grief, Now”, I said a phrase that I keep very close to my heart: “I keep you alive every day.”
I say that “I keep you alive because you are my Mum, and everyone talks about their mum.”
How I keep you alive is a thought I often mull over. I gently tease it, stroke it and it purrs back at me. Sometimes I think it is through me owning the things that you once owned, held and loved. After losing Daisy, I realised how fragile this is.
One person said to me “you should see your Mum when you look in the mirror” and I cried and laughed, replying “but I look like my Dad!”
But, they were right. I don’t have your face, your nose or the colour of your eyes, but Katie and I have a lot of your spirit. I spoke about it in that post, but I needed to be reminded of it recently. We have your fire, your drive and most of all your sassiness.
Wednesday holds an important event for Katie and I. We will be talking at a conference with charities about grief, and our experience.
Katie and I will stand side by side and talk about the creation of The Grief Reality. We will talk about how alienating grief was, but the love we felt from this community. We are indebted to the WordPress community for the life it brought back to us. We are excited, but incredibly nervous. I know you’ll be with us, and that even if it goes terribly you’ll be terribly proud; saying “those are my girls.”
One way I neglected to realise how I keep you alive, is through things like this. We help people. Helping people was at the centre of everything you did, and I always admired that about you. I remember when a drunk woman stumbled onto our drive and fell asleep. You and I were so surprised and worried, but, you being you, we marched out armed with a pillow, blanket, a glass of water and a lot of wariness. It makes me laugh so much when I remember your anger when our blanket and pillow got stolen, the empty cup being the only symbol that this stranger had been here. I want to be more like you again.
“I keep you alive through jokes, through wearing my locket, and through trying to be as kind and generous as I can be for others. You loved hosting, and I love it too. I think the best bits of me come from you.”
I keep you alive through this blog, and today, I will keep you alive by talking about your likes, dislikes, our love for you, and our hope that we can help just one person.
Thank you for being my Mum. Thank you for teaching me to be kind, generous and to try to help people. I will be indebted to you too, forever.
Wish us luck!