My Life With Grief, Now

“I’m sorry I talk about my Mum too much.”

I keep you alive every day, still. I imagine you are everywhere, I hope you are, here; everywhere. 

“It’s fine, you don’t talk about her too much.”

I enjoy your memory. The other day my flat and I cheersed our drinks for you. I laughed because I felt giddy; these were the people I was so afraid to meet, yet these are the people who allow you to be real and breathing.

When I think of you, I smile. So, I smile a lot these days. You have given me so much strength, and there’s nothing I’m afraid of, because how can I be? Anything that happens; I’ve been through worse, and I know what you would say.

Here I am, where we both worked so hard to be, and I keep you alive every day. I keep you alive because you are my Mum, and everyone talks about their mum.

I know you would be, or are, proud of me, because I am grateful for everything, and I think there is great power in that. I don’t take any crap from anyone, but I am not afraid to apologise for any mistakes I make. I am growing, and I am proud.

I took Katie to see the Lumineers as part of her birthday celebration; she screamed and danced, and there is so much life in her again. It is a joy to see such a beautiful human be overwhelmed with spirit again. For this, I will forever be grateful. It felt wonderful to do something so meaningful for her. On the 27th November 2018, she took me to see Mumford and Sons. I remember how much that meant, and a year later, I hope I created something like that for her.

The Lumineers
Taken on the iPhone 7+
The Lumineers
Taken on the iPhone 7+

I have accepted there is no way to forget you, and I’m relieved that I don’t have to worry about forgetting you anymore. You are the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night.

I keep you alive through jokes, through wearing my locket, and through trying to be as kind and generous as I can be for others. You loved hosting, and I love it too. I think the best bits of me come from you.

I wore your dress for my Christmas ball. I was surprised because I was so shocked by what I looked like. I just looked happy. I know you would have enjoyed seeing me in your dress.

Christmas Ball

I feel your pride wherever I go.

I love you.


14 thoughts on “My Life With Grief, Now

  1. You can never talk to or about your Mum too much! If I suddenly think of something to tell my Mum, its because I believe she has popped in to see me. You look beautiful in that dress, she would be very proud of you both xxx

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