“I Am One Minute Old Today”

I turned 20 yesterday.

In some ways, I was shocked that I had reached this milestone.

When the clock struck 12, my chair broke and I landed on the floor in a heap of laughter, and the light bulb in my salt lamp broke and exploded when I changed it. Then my friends came down the hall holding blueberry muffins with candles in, and sang happy birthday to me. I spent the day with beautiful people, and celebrated hard in the evening.

I was so grateful. To be living, breathing and smiling. I hope I will forever be grateful, even when inevitably things go wrong; this is my life and I’m in love with it again.

This weekend, I went to London to see Katie, and we travelled down to see Uncle Peter. On Saturday we had a cosy day with mince pies, chocolate and candles, and on Sunday we cooked an impromptu roast dinner, after all the restaurants were booked up. We stormed through Tesco, swiping things off the shelves, grabbing rotary chickens and huge Yorkshire puddings. We were stressed, but happy whilst we cooked (or Katie cooked), and for some reason listening to Shania Twain the whole time. Peter tried so hard, and lit my birthday cake in the living room, concentrating hard on lighting each candle. I could almost hear Mum saying ‘bless him’.

Katie made me feel so loved, effortlessly and because she wanted to. I will never spend a day not feeling lucky and amazed to know her and call her my sister. She bought me a beautiful edition of Watership Down, and we cried together, because in that moment we both felt it. The pain which is as great as the day after Mum’s death, a year on.

It is so tough without my mum. My mind has been drawn to her every day since her death, and I hope it carries on that way. Perhaps it is my way of paying homage to her. Perhaps it is just a grieving daughter missing her mum.

Through my birthday, I cried so many tears, of shock, of heartache, of loss, but through all that, there is this shining truth; I survived.

Somehow, I got through my 19th orbit, and I’ve done it impressively.

I, perhaps a bit self-indulgently, applaud myself. I can’t quite believe she’s gone, but now, I can’t quite believe that I am here, and that I am strong, by myself.

I can’t help but think back to my birthday last year. It was so crazy, and empty without Mum. This is only my second birthday without her, and the loss is still heartbreakingly obvious. I feel like my grief is only just a baby learning to walk.

I stand on a precipice before a new decade, and I am afraid. I am afraid because who knows what the next years brings, who I will meet, or who I will be like. I will not have a key person in my life that everyone else has, but I have myself and my team who are rooting for me every step of the way.

I stand on a precipice before a new decade, and I am excited, because now, I am living.

Evee

25 thoughts on ““I Am One Minute Old Today”

  1. Child Of God – United States – I was born in Italy to a very different type of family than your typical Italian one. We had a lot of relatives but our home life was very different from most others. in many ways families Father Musician mother singer of the Jazz bands that my father formed, for some years. My life story could be a book as big as War and Peace, lol It will come out I hope clearly as I blog with my friend Ike. I am praying for guidance because this small blog is my testimony as well so, I pray for the Spirit of God to guide me in when and how I will write anything at all. I love Jesus with a passion the few know of. He is all to me with a perfect second in my husband Toby, one of many gifts from the Father. I hope if anyone will follow, This love Blog will bring a smile and Hope in someone's life. One day, I saw the "light" I recognized that there was a God and He loved me, little sinful me!
    Child Of God says:

    Happy late Birthday May you be blessed more each day that goes by.

  2. Scherezade Ozwulo – I am Scherezade an aspiring writer who is using this outlet to create a discipline. I am also a Christian with questions and want to create a space where others who have questions can discuss in an open forum.
    Scherezade Ozwulo says:

    Happy Birthday to you Evee Live your best life always!

  3. It sounds like although you don’t have “a” key person, you have many kept people cheering you on and lifting you up! Happy 2nd decade of life. I know your Mother is proud!

  4. sherrysescape – I am a pediatrician and an introvert. I love nature and thinking about human nature and what makes us tick. I am also a voracious reader and I knit to calm my mind. I am in my late 50s. The picture on my profile is a picture of me in 4th grade.
    Sharon Cheek says:

    I love the way that you write. You paint a picture and it’s so easy to see what you’re saying. Thanks.

  5. The Trainer RN Hood River – United States – I want to “help” you have fun and enjoy life. Most important is to assist you in living a wonderful and relatively “pain free” life! Trust me, you don’t want to spend half your life in doctors offices and hospital beds! The Trainer RN* 15 3rd st Hood River Oregon 97031 541-490-8717 rixterstufff@yahoo.com
    The Trainer RN Hood River says:

    Wow

  6. franiezbloglife – Frances Ukpokolo is a 23 years old Freelance Writer, Content Creator, Graphics Designer, Event Planner, Social Media Manager, Co-founder, and Industrial Engineer who focuses on youths and children empowerment and also gets involved in Technology-related ideas, such as the digital economy and artificial intelligence. In the midst of her writing, design, and engineering career, Frances volunteers at a number of youth-leadership and empowerment organisations in Nigeria. She is also currently a Digital Content Creator at FMT Labz and a Process Engineer at an esteemed multinational technology company. Frances is a recent graduate of Industrial and Production Engineering at one of the best universities in Nigeria. After a successful 5 years program, Frances now finds herself in Writing, Process Engineering, Content Creation, Digitalisation, and Design. Franie enjoys things in relation to creating good relationships with people (romantically and/or formally) as well as bringing up creative ideas for solving problems. She does her best to put her creativity in her writing, designing, or planning. She is also a Co-founder of food, groceries and farm produce delivery e-platform in Nigeria. Frances’ available for marketing, writing projects, and people management, as well as designing. You can reach Frances at feukpokolo@gmail.com
    franiezbloglife says:

    Reblogged this on Franiezbloglife.

  7. franiezbloglife – Frances Ukpokolo is a 23 years old Freelance Writer, Content Creator, Graphics Designer, Event Planner, Social Media Manager, Co-founder, and Industrial Engineer who focuses on youths and children empowerment and also gets involved in Technology-related ideas, such as the digital economy and artificial intelligence. In the midst of her writing, design, and engineering career, Frances volunteers at a number of youth-leadership and empowerment organisations in Nigeria. She is also currently a Digital Content Creator at FMT Labz and a Process Engineer at an esteemed multinational technology company. Frances is a recent graduate of Industrial and Production Engineering at one of the best universities in Nigeria. After a successful 5 years program, Frances now finds herself in Writing, Process Engineering, Content Creation, Digitalisation, and Design. Franie enjoys things in relation to creating good relationships with people (romantically and/or formally) as well as bringing up creative ideas for solving problems. She does her best to put her creativity in her writing, designing, or planning. She is also a Co-founder of food, groceries and farm produce delivery e-platform in Nigeria. Frances’ available for marketing, writing projects, and people management, as well as designing. You can reach Frances at feukpokolo@gmail.com
    franiezbloglife says:

    Beautiful. I am glad you’re happy with the progress you’ve made so far. I’m glad you’re happy with your emotional and physical growth. I am very sure you’d get there dear. Many of us are scared of what we haven’t seen yet. We do not know what to expect but we keep preparing, hoping. The future would come and by God’s grace, we’d be ready for it.
    Stay strong girl

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