You find me at a time in my life where I have friends, a loving support network, and I feel stronger than ever.
I woke up feeling blue, a feeling that settles around me almost comfortingly. It disconcerts me because of the ease at which I fit into this blue mold. I almost feel like when I wipe my eyes in the morning, my fingertips and my hand will be blue.
But unlike this time last year, I can shake it off. My natural colour slowly coming through the blue, because I am more powerful now, it is not all-consuming. These days, I can still feel blue but be strong.
I facetime with Katie, and a weight rises off my chest as though Katie and I have tied balloons to my problems and sends them into the sky. It is good to laugh, and as I watch the balloons get smaller and smaller I marvel that these problems can just up, up and away. For so long, we were weighted down by so much, that to be weighted down by nothing sometimes makes me feel giddy.
I do not miss the place I grew up in, but I miss my favourite coffee shops, and some of the people I left there. Sometimes I think I did not fit in there, and I wonder if I’ll ever fit in anywhere. I struggle to care about it for very long.
I find myself doing that a lot; struggling to care. About being liked, about being too loud, about being too much for others, or for not being enough. I like myself, my company, and I have a lot of love to give. Truly, it is rewarding to give my time to those who want to give it back. And for those who don’t, I struggle to think about them for very long.
I feel Mum’s love everywhere I go, and I am so fortunate to have known her for so long. So many people go through their life without the vibrancy and love she has instilled in us. For her I am grateful, forever. I find so much comfort in the fact that I will love her forever. That truly is unshakeable in me.
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