In this world, my Mum exists. She is alive and well. She hugs me close and tells me off for leaving my plates on the side of the kitchen. I can see her face from when I would do something wrong. Her sharp eyes and her stern lips.
She is tangible, and I feel like I can reach out and touch her skin, and I will feel how soft it is. But when I go to hug her she dissolves, appearing just beyond me again.
In this world, there is an air of fear. A terrified anticipation for God’s next card. I feel like I have forgotten the end of a sad film, or where the jump-scare is in a thriller.
I try to tell my mum that something is wrong, but she gets angry at me. “Stop worrying Evee.” I beg her to listen but it makes her more annoyed. The apprehension grows within me. I feel unheard and trapped.
I am in a car and I know it’s going to crash. All I can do is wait.
The house is light and still. Rainbows shine on the walls and I watch Mum potter around in the garden as she loves to do so much. I feel like a demon is on my shoulder and I want to run to her, and take her away from this world. She still won’t listen to me. She tells me to carry on with my revision. I tell her it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters more than her.
She gets angry again.
And then the ship hits the rocks. I reach out to try to cling to my mother as she slips away and the wood splinters and buckles beneath me. It snaps, twists, and obliterates beneath me. I scream. “How do I live without you?”
She doesn’t say anything. She is afraid. She turns away from me and dissolves into light, and fear enshrines my body. I am alone now.
I wake up and I’m almost unaware of where I am. This world is where I have been living. With people who don’t know and never will know my Mum.
But this is my world. Those were the cards I had been dealt. I have been living without my Mum for 14 months now. I have been doing okay.
I am sad but proud.
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