Under Pressure

During the final year of my undergraduate, I remember tackling a really difficult assignment about the origins of simultaneous interpreting. I was home for Christmas and frustrated that I still had assignments to do, tired from the first term. Removing my headphones and peering from behind my laptop screen I declared to my mum and uncle who were watching TV beside me, “If I were to only live for one more year, would I want to spend it doing this? No. So I’m not going to apply for the Masters.” They didn’t mind. They never put pressure on me.

Summer came around, I got a scholarship and I did the Master’s anyway. I put pressure on myself – I always have – with my need to prove myself and push myself. My need to do better, to be better. I think of that little one-sided conversation I had the previous year a lot because it wasn’t the last year of my life, it was my mum’s. 

In a few days time I’m going to submit my final assignment. The Master’s has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to contend with, both academically speaking and because of the amount of pressure I was under while doing it. I used to be envious of the other students. Sometimes their biggest worry was this Master’s and it was the least of mine.  I couldn’t quit though. I haven’t quit anything my whole life. Only ballet at the age of about 10 after pretending that I enjoyed it for about 5 years. I couldn’t bear the crushing weight of guilt as my dad said: “Do you know how much money we spent on that?”.

I didn’t want to make any friends on this course because I didn’t have the time. Being the introvert that I am, and being under so much stress I didn’t think I had room for friends. I used to just to do my work Monday to Friday, and go home on the weekends. I did make one friend though. Rather, she befriended me. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. We got really close, and she has been a real lifeline. I used to send her messages on a weekly basis: “this is it, I give up” with a follow up message 2 hours later to let her know that, in fact, I was still in the library and I hadn’t quit yet, “but I mean it, I am so close.” It became a running joke between us.

There’s been so much anger surrounding my decision to carry on at university. Had I not applied, I would have had so much extra time with my mum – this is a regular thought that plagues my mind. Though, my boyfriend rightly points out that if it wasn’t the Master’s it would have been something else, a job or perhaps a course of a different kind that I wouldn’t have been able to simply defer for 9 months. Of course, I know that’s true, because I know me. I know my mum too and she sure as hell wasn’t going to have me living at home at the age of 23 doing nothing but look after her.

A week before I was due to leave for my year abroad when I was 20 (about 3 years ago), we found out that the cancer had spread but we didn’t know where yet. I just wanted to cling to her and never let go, I certainly wasn’t going to go away to another country. I was ready to quit university and be with my mum. The following week she drove me to the airport anyway, adamant that I was not going to miss out on this opportunity. She told me,“if you aren’t going, you need to find a job and somewhere else to live because you’re not staying here.” Her stubbornness always infuriated me, but it’s what drives me now.

Trying to reach the finish line while grieving has been unbearable, and all I have wanted to do is crawl into her bed and tell her so, like I used to do when I couldn’t handle life’s pressures. That’s one of the most difficult things about losing my mum, I just want to tell her how difficult my life is now without her in it. She was always the person I went to when I was struggling. Now I am left imagining what she would say, or remembering what she used to say – “just do your best, Kates, you only need a pass” – she didn’t care what grade I got. She was so proud of what I had already achieved despite all of our troubles. Last summer I promised her that I would finish the Master’s, though I didn’t believe it myself.

I’m currently in my mum’s bed at 01.46 am, having worked on my final assignment all day. It’s the first one that she hasn’t read and given advice on. For the first time, I don’t mind what grade I receive either. I promised her I would finish this course and I’m still here. That’s enough. I didn’t quit.

Katie

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17 thoughts on “Under Pressure

  1. You didn’t quit and so be proud whatever the result. I see why your mum pushed you, she wanted you to do your best and not stop your life. With what you have expressed here in this post, it feels like you have grown with lessons learnt from sticking with it and of course, your mum.

  2. A diamond is a lump of coal that has been put under enormous pressure!

    There is a lot more coal in this world than diamonds – that is why people consider them to have great value.

  3. Craig White – Uk – Hello there I've suffered suicidal thoughts stress anxiety, depression most of my life and also from the age of 20 suffered ptsd.. My father also suffered from manic depression and the traits my problems that were very similar to my dads we're always dismissed, i was left to dwell and deal with my issues, unknowingly.. The one thing that can get in the way to how well our gut supports our mind our body and our soul's, is vascular depression.. Vascular depression paves the way for gut depression and gut depression disrupts overrides how well the whole of the human body can function without underlying subconscious strain.. The environment which we live is not that great a threat as it was, unatural substance or resistance towards chemicals synthetics, possibly may have for year's, overtaken environmental factors.. Unatural substance or chemical synthetic factors are misunderstood most if not all mood disorders may start in the gut.. Vascular depression forces gut depression which causes strangulated symptoms within the gut itself.. Gut depression directly suppresses mood emotions but is only part of the puzzle, poor mood and emotions are simply unatural feelings in which we gain when our gut becomes strangulated.. These are simply unatural feelings which are caused through gut strangulation but these unatural feelings are simply magnified when our already existing gut depression struggles to digest the food and drink which we ingest.. Which simply creates a secondary malfunction within our already existing gut malfunction, so now we've a stangulated gut struggling to digest food and drink.. So now the stangulated gut struggles all the more, which further disrupts our poor mood and emotion, because the food which we eat now has an adverse reaction when entering, the gut.. So now gut depression creates gut malfunction which inturn changes how well our gut breaks down the food in which we eat and also causes unatural gas to weep from the gut through into our bodies along with possibly rogue nutrition.. Which changes how well our gut naturally supports our mind our body and soul, our symptoms wax and wane depending on how strangulated our gut is before we eat.. So the amount of vascular strain increases gut malfunction which inturn increases our bodies inner toxicity throughout our digestive system down to our bowl.. Which simply allows more toxicity to enter the body before toxicity leaves the body, gut malfunction is a little alike a synthetic virus within the gut.. This synthetic virus may unaturally cause a negative feed to run throughout our body and with the bodies natural fight or flight can simply force the mind the body and soul to be intoxicated and shocked.. I help myself recovered from ptsd by accident after 4 years of torture, i also had constipation and used sun sweet prune juice which helped save my life and allowed me to go on this journey and unravel this mystery.. I have studied myself for 15 years whilst using prune juice and i have learned to understand, my body is simply very aggressive towards unatural substance.. I've understood, the less my body has to tolerate unatural substance, the better my gut naturally supports and provides the rest of my body.. This includes the mind the body and the soul with superior nutrition which helps the body stay functionally fit and healthy.. My brain was shocked (ptsd) whilst i tried to manage a traumatic experience at the age of 20 years old but what may have propped up my ptsd for so long was a toxic feed caused by unatural substance.. Which simply shut my gut off from supplying healthy nutrition to naturally support my brain, enough to aid recovery.. I learned by reducing such things like fluoride in toothpaste, nasty chemicals in shower gels, shampoos, aluminium within deodorants, this helped reverse change the fuel which fuelled the fuel to the condition (my pstd) which naturally helped aid my brain recovery.. My vascular response towards unatural substance maybe genetically and hereditary wired set in stone from birth so day by day, week by week, month by month, year in year out, unatural substance simply broke my body from within.. Our bodies vital organs inturn become bogged down this includes our bodies immune response.. I also learned by reducing unatural substance i controlled hidden tensions which only existed, due to a underlying condition and was not actually caused by the outside world.. I also believe, the same method i use to reduce my shocked brain (ptsd) Could help reduce progression in multiple sclerosis m.e and arthritis and also motor neuron disease.. Because gut bowl malfunction, overtime messes with the wealth to health of the whole entire body which inturn directly changes how well our body can function.. With autoimmune the gut has no other alternative other than provide an unatural feed around the body, which triggers unatural immune response.. Which from outside looking in, looks as though our immune system is attacking our bodies but really we don't fully understand our bodies negative feed running throughout the body.. When gut bowl malfunction simply goes unoticed our gut can negatively provide our bodies with increased toxicity long enough to actually cause chronic shock within the human body enough to cause chronic disease..
    Craig White says:

    Stay strong.. well done..

  4. Craig White – Uk – Hello there I've suffered suicidal thoughts stress anxiety, depression most of my life and also from the age of 20 suffered ptsd.. My father also suffered from manic depression and the traits my problems that were very similar to my dads we're always dismissed, i was left to dwell and deal with my issues, unknowingly.. The one thing that can get in the way to how well our gut supports our mind our body and our soul's, is vascular depression.. Vascular depression paves the way for gut depression and gut depression disrupts overrides how well the whole of the human body can function without underlying subconscious strain.. The environment which we live is not that great a threat as it was, unatural substance or resistance towards chemicals synthetics, possibly may have for year's, overtaken environmental factors.. Unatural substance or chemical synthetic factors are misunderstood most if not all mood disorders may start in the gut.. Vascular depression forces gut depression which causes strangulated symptoms within the gut itself.. Gut depression directly suppresses mood emotions but is only part of the puzzle, poor mood and emotions are simply unatural feelings in which we gain when our gut becomes strangulated.. These are simply unatural feelings which are caused through gut strangulation but these unatural feelings are simply magnified when our already existing gut depression struggles to digest the food and drink which we ingest.. Which simply creates a secondary malfunction within our already existing gut malfunction, so now we've a stangulated gut struggling to digest food and drink.. So now the stangulated gut struggles all the more, which further disrupts our poor mood and emotion, because the food which we eat now has an adverse reaction when entering, the gut.. So now gut depression creates gut malfunction which inturn changes how well our gut breaks down the food in which we eat and also causes unatural gas to weep from the gut through into our bodies along with possibly rogue nutrition.. Which changes how well our gut naturally supports our mind our body and soul, our symptoms wax and wane depending on how strangulated our gut is before we eat.. So the amount of vascular strain increases gut malfunction which inturn increases our bodies inner toxicity throughout our digestive system down to our bowl.. Which simply allows more toxicity to enter the body before toxicity leaves the body, gut malfunction is a little alike a synthetic virus within the gut.. This synthetic virus may unaturally cause a negative feed to run throughout our body and with the bodies natural fight or flight can simply force the mind the body and soul to be intoxicated and shocked.. I help myself recovered from ptsd by accident after 4 years of torture, i also had constipation and used sun sweet prune juice which helped save my life and allowed me to go on this journey and unravel this mystery.. I have studied myself for 15 years whilst using prune juice and i have learned to understand, my body is simply very aggressive towards unatural substance.. I've understood, the less my body has to tolerate unatural substance, the better my gut naturally supports and provides the rest of my body.. This includes the mind the body and the soul with superior nutrition which helps the body stay functionally fit and healthy.. My brain was shocked (ptsd) whilst i tried to manage a traumatic experience at the age of 20 years old but what may have propped up my ptsd for so long was a toxic feed caused by unatural substance.. Which simply shut my gut off from supplying healthy nutrition to naturally support my brain, enough to aid recovery.. I learned by reducing such things like fluoride in toothpaste, nasty chemicals in shower gels, shampoos, aluminium within deodorants, this helped reverse change the fuel which fuelled the fuel to the condition (my pstd) which naturally helped aid my brain recovery.. My vascular response towards unatural substance maybe genetically and hereditary wired set in stone from birth so day by day, week by week, month by month, year in year out, unatural substance simply broke my body from within.. Our bodies vital organs inturn become bogged down this includes our bodies immune response.. I also learned by reducing unatural substance i controlled hidden tensions which only existed, due to a underlying condition and was not actually caused by the outside world.. I also believe, the same method i use to reduce my shocked brain (ptsd) Could help reduce progression in multiple sclerosis m.e and arthritis and also motor neuron disease.. Because gut bowl malfunction, overtime messes with the wealth to health of the whole entire body which inturn directly changes how well our body can function.. With autoimmune the gut has no other alternative other than provide an unatural feed around the body, which triggers unatural immune response.. Which from outside looking in, looks as though our immune system is attacking our bodies but really we don't fully understand our bodies negative feed running throughout the body.. When gut bowl malfunction simply goes unoticed our gut can negatively provide our bodies with increased toxicity long enough to actually cause chronic shock within the human body enough to cause chronic disease..
    Craig White says:

    Stay strong.. well done.

      1. Craig White – Uk – Hello there I've suffered suicidal thoughts stress anxiety, depression most of my life and also from the age of 20 suffered ptsd.. My father also suffered from manic depression and the traits my problems that were very similar to my dads we're always dismissed, i was left to dwell and deal with my issues, unknowingly.. The one thing that can get in the way to how well our gut supports our mind our body and our soul's, is vascular depression.. Vascular depression paves the way for gut depression and gut depression disrupts overrides how well the whole of the human body can function without underlying subconscious strain.. The environment which we live is not that great a threat as it was, unatural substance or resistance towards chemicals synthetics, possibly may have for year's, overtaken environmental factors.. Unatural substance or chemical synthetic factors are misunderstood most if not all mood disorders may start in the gut.. Vascular depression forces gut depression which causes strangulated symptoms within the gut itself.. Gut depression directly suppresses mood emotions but is only part of the puzzle, poor mood and emotions are simply unatural feelings in which we gain when our gut becomes strangulated.. These are simply unatural feelings which are caused through gut strangulation but these unatural feelings are simply magnified when our already existing gut depression struggles to digest the food and drink which we ingest.. Which simply creates a secondary malfunction within our already existing gut malfunction, so now we've a stangulated gut struggling to digest food and drink.. So now the stangulated gut struggles all the more, which further disrupts our poor mood and emotion, because the food which we eat now has an adverse reaction when entering, the gut.. So now gut depression creates gut malfunction which inturn changes how well our gut breaks down the food in which we eat and also causes unatural gas to weep from the gut through into our bodies along with possibly rogue nutrition.. Which changes how well our gut naturally supports our mind our body and soul, our symptoms wax and wane depending on how strangulated our gut is before we eat.. So the amount of vascular strain increases gut malfunction which inturn increases our bodies inner toxicity throughout our digestive system down to our bowl.. Which simply allows more toxicity to enter the body before toxicity leaves the body, gut malfunction is a little alike a synthetic virus within the gut.. This synthetic virus may unaturally cause a negative feed to run throughout our body and with the bodies natural fight or flight can simply force the mind the body and soul to be intoxicated and shocked.. I help myself recovered from ptsd by accident after 4 years of torture, i also had constipation and used sun sweet prune juice which helped save my life and allowed me to go on this journey and unravel this mystery.. I have studied myself for 15 years whilst using prune juice and i have learned to understand, my body is simply very aggressive towards unatural substance.. I've understood, the less my body has to tolerate unatural substance, the better my gut naturally supports and provides the rest of my body.. This includes the mind the body and the soul with superior nutrition which helps the body stay functionally fit and healthy.. My brain was shocked (ptsd) whilst i tried to manage a traumatic experience at the age of 20 years old but what may have propped up my ptsd for so long was a toxic feed caused by unatural substance.. Which simply shut my gut off from supplying healthy nutrition to naturally support my brain, enough to aid recovery.. I learned by reducing such things like fluoride in toothpaste, nasty chemicals in shower gels, shampoos, aluminium within deodorants, this helped reverse change the fuel which fuelled the fuel to the condition (my pstd) which naturally helped aid my brain recovery.. My vascular response towards unatural substance maybe genetically and hereditary wired set in stone from birth so day by day, week by week, month by month, year in year out, unatural substance simply broke my body from within.. Our bodies vital organs inturn become bogged down this includes our bodies immune response.. I also learned by reducing unatural substance i controlled hidden tensions which only existed, due to a underlying condition and was not actually caused by the outside world.. I also believe, the same method i use to reduce my shocked brain (ptsd) Could help reduce progression in multiple sclerosis m.e and arthritis and also motor neuron disease.. Because gut bowl malfunction, overtime messes with the wealth to health of the whole entire body which inturn directly changes how well our body can function.. With autoimmune the gut has no other alternative other than provide an unatural feed around the body, which triggers unatural immune response.. Which from outside looking in, looks as though our immune system is attacking our bodies but really we don't fully understand our bodies negative feed running throughout the body.. When gut bowl malfunction simply goes unoticed our gut can negatively provide our bodies with increased toxicity long enough to actually cause chronic shock within the human body enough to cause chronic disease..
        Craig White says:

        Take care..

  5. jhward220 – Campbellsville, Kentucky – First I'm a dad of three wonderful children Jacob, Jae and Jasmine. I haven't written a lot and I'm usually not the type to speak out so have that in mind as you read. I am a Photographer and someone that loves nature, people, and exploring new things.
    jhward220 says:

    I loved this post! It was very touching, I too have been going through some struggles with the loss of my Father and StepFather within months of each other.

      1. jhward220 – Campbellsville, Kentucky – First I'm a dad of three wonderful children Jacob, Jae and Jasmine. I haven't written a lot and I'm usually not the type to speak out so have that in mind as you read. I am a Photographer and someone that loves nature, people, and exploring new things.
        jhward220 says:

        thank you so much for your concern but I’m doing well or as good as can be.

  6. I like how you’re taking care of yourself, comforting yourself in your mother’s space and with her words. Congratulations on your achievements. -Rebecca

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