Anger

Grief is showing me there is a new side to myself that I am trying to understand.

Anger. 

I think for individuals in “normal” situations (I use this term very loosely), I believe anger is a flair of emotion which is useful for showing that there is a problem or a situation which is unjust and needs correcting. 

However, when you are grieving or under strong levels of stress, anger can come instantly, and over something big or small; you can be venomously angry over how unfair your loss was, or what you went through, or you can be venomously angry over the fact you can’t find your shoe, or someone didn’t wash up a plate. It is easy to get overwhelmed and to get lost in the emotion. 

I think for grieving people, anger stems from a fear of losing more, and being afraid of further violation to us, similar to the violation we felt through death. It can be unbridled and untamed, and make you want to scream out in your frustration. I feel as though when I am grieving, anger seems like the most direct channel to stop hurting; I don’t want to think about seeing my loved one weak or vulnerable, so I fuel your pain towards a situation or individual who let you down, for instance. This way it is easier to control, and I don’t feel so terrible. But although it is hard, anger isn’t always the healthiest option.

For me, anger does not usually arrive without a call, however, even if my anger is valid, it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Now, my relationship with anger is not a hugely toxic one, but it has caused me a lot of identity issues, because I hate losing control, and being careless with other people’s emotions and these go hand in hand with anger. So, I have had to find ways of dealing with it.

When we had just lost our mum, I enjoyed the anger sometimes. It made me feel alive. First of all, my body would physically be responding; heart hammering, clenched fists, shaking. But also, because it was a vivid colour of red in my grey world. I quickly became aware that this wasn’t healthy, and I found other ways to feel alive; mainly through sessions with Balloons, and by writing stories and poetry again. 

I know myself well enough that at these times, it is best to keep myself to myself and be alone for a while. I am aware however, that this is easier said than done. 

I try to stay silent, because the last thing I want to do is say something I don’t mean or make the situation worse just because I feel angry. In my head, sometimes I hear my Mum telling me to breathe and that everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. She could be a feisty person when she needed to be, and she had quite the temper, but imagining her saying this, soothes me sometimes.

To deal with my anger, I believe the most important thing is to know what sparks this emotion. I know what my so-called triggers are, and that makes it easier for me to just breathe. Sometimes, this isn’t obviously always possible.

Next, I believe the best way to deal with it is to take yourself out of the situation, or find a different mode to vent out your anger. This is a positive outcome of a situation because you can’t ‘lash out’ unintentionally, and you can take this time to look after yourself whilst you cool off. For example, journaling or exercise. For me, when I first used to experience true anger, I would go to the swimming pool, and swim as fast as I could until I was truly spent. Other times, I would go running, and the physical exertion of it was enough to put me in a more reasonable state of mind.

Finally, although anger is a useful emotion at times, if you are feeling it in excess and frequently, and your usual techniques aren’t working, I suggest counselling.

Anger is said to be one of the stages of grief. I am a firm believer that we have to feel everything in order to survive, heal and move forward. If we consider emotions as tools to deal with life, we need each and every one of them for a purpose. So, do not suppress it; we can always try to learn how to deal with it. You will be stronger for it.

Throughout the grieving process, we are going to learn a lot about ourselves. We might not recognise all these pieces of ourselves, and some of bits of us we may be more ashamed of than others. But it is a process, and learning to control these things, whilst maintaining our sense of self-worth, is what is vital throughout this.

Evee

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23 thoughts on “Anger

  1. emergingfromthedarknight – Australia – "The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.
    emergingfromthedarknight says:

    I wrote a post on this very issue this week. Anger is one of the stages of integrating loss and moving towards a painful acceptance. That we find ways to handle it in a healthy way is so essential and it does give us energy to feel a just anger especially when we know its a message from our soul. Its so true that we learn so much about ourselves fhrough grief and loss. Thanks for sharing your process.

  2. emergingfromthedarknight – Australia – "The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.
    emergingfromthedarknight says:

    Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
    An issue close to my heart. Anger is very necessary to understand as we navigate the path of loss.

  3. You have absolutely nailed this. It really sums the whole thing up perfectly. You really do have to experience it all.

  4. palmtreesandloyalties – I figured it's important that I explain why I chose the Palm tree instead of the Pine tree. Both are beautiful and similar in one way. They both bend with the storms that pass, but still stand. This blog is just that. "Its me, still standing!" I now a make a pledge to very often find things to write about and always put an interesting spin on how I write about them. Hint hint...there will always be humour attached. This blog will be for those who like to read and see the fun and adventure in life. Not keen on talking about it. So I will write about it! Let's go!
    palmtreesandloyalties says:

    Great post. Anger is manageable. I find it helps to breathe. But timing and delivery matters so much with that message… thanks for sharing!

  5. In some situations of loss involving trauma or accidents, anger stems from blaming a situation or person you think may have contributed to the death. If only he/she had done this or that… Anger can come from the untidy ending or the unanswered questions. The only way over it is through it.

  6. Sam Allen Creative Coach – I am a Creative Life & Leadership Coach, Creative Workshop Facilitator, Podcaster and Poetess. I am absolutely passionate about my work and love helping women to heal anxiety and to connect to their Creative Fire and to fully experience and express their uniquely feminine power. If you would like to experience the transformative experience of being coached by me email me, samallencoachingcreatively@gmail.com for a free, no-obligations demo session. I began writing poetry on a daily basis when I lost my Father back in 2015 and I haven't stopped since. Writing in nature is as much a part of me as brushing my teeth and I am so very grateful for this outlet in my life. Aside from all things poetic, I am a jogger, a hiker, a creative mover and I also co-lead an online Untaming Femininity Tribe for women wishing to explore their femininity on their own terms.
    Sam Allen Creative Coach says:

    Anger can be very powerful when channelled creatively. Love the awareness you express here. An important message to share.

      1. Sam Allen Creative Coach – I am a Creative Life & Leadership Coach, Creative Workshop Facilitator, Podcaster and Poetess. I am absolutely passionate about my work and love helping women to heal anxiety and to connect to their Creative Fire and to fully experience and express their uniquely feminine power. If you would like to experience the transformative experience of being coached by me email me, samallencoachingcreatively@gmail.com for a free, no-obligations demo session. I began writing poetry on a daily basis when I lost my Father back in 2015 and I haven't stopped since. Writing in nature is as much a part of me as brushing my teeth and I am so very grateful for this outlet in my life. Aside from all things poetic, I am a jogger, a hiker, a creative mover and I also co-lead an online Untaming Femininity Tribe for women wishing to explore their femininity on their own terms.
        Sam Allen Creative Coach says:

        My pleasure. I started writing poetry every day after losing my Dad and have found it to be so therapeutic

  7. The Conflict Expert – I'm a solicitor, mediator and conflict resolution expert with a particular interest in helping people to resolve their conflicts and disputes in a meaningful, empowering way that brings them clarity and growth. I love learning and writing about conflict and more importantly, finding creative ways to navigate what can be murky, emotional relationships. Why do I love it so much? Because it reveals what our values are, our priorities and our reactions which are vital in crafting durable solutions and avoiding them in the future.
    The Conflict Expert says:

    anger is such a hard emotion to feel comfortable with but it is part of grief. I felt so much anger when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it would come out in bursts at the smallest thing. When he eventually passed away sadly, that anger showed up for a couple of weeks but it wasn’t so much of a feature of my grief at that stage. It’s such a head f’ck. I have never experienced anything more powerful than grief – except love. Thanks for your beautiful insight x

  8. lifestyle4everever – Hey there! I talk about everyday changing Trends, Advice, Lifestyle to make your life easier then can be, beauty tips, and a ton of other stuff! I hope you can come along this beautiful journey with me :)
    lifestyle4everever says:

    I really like reading your stuff
    You write all the stuff from your experiences and your personal feeling and what you went through. I can really relate to a lot of the things you say. Thanks for sharing even thought how hard it may be I’m sure it helps people know that they aren’t the only one that have been through that.
    Much for you my dear

      1. lifestyle4everever – Hey there! I talk about everyday changing Trends, Advice, Lifestyle to make your life easier then can be, beauty tips, and a ton of other stuff! I hope you can come along this beautiful journey with me :)
        lifestyle4everever says:

        I’m glad it lifts you! I also hope it encourages you to write more and more

      2. lifestyle4everever – Hey there! I talk about everyday changing Trends, Advice, Lifestyle to make your life easier then can be, beauty tips, and a ton of other stuff! I hope you can come along this beautiful journey with me :)
        lifestyle4everever says:

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