What Led Us Here?

It was Evee who had the idea to create this blog a few months ago. She was unable to sleep one night, her mind whirring with thoughts about Mum and the situation we find ourselves in – two young girls 18 and 23, me a master’s student, Evee fresh out of 6th form, tackling probate, becoming homeowners and grieving. There was no one that we could relate to.

After the loss of our mum, we have tried several times to find information online about people in similar situations – to feel less alone, to get advice, to know that life can continue after all of the trauma. We couldn’t find anyone. So, we decided that we would become those people for others through The Grief Reality.

That’s not to say that we are over it. Personally, I cry every day over the loss of our mum, even 5 months down the line. That’s not to say we are any good at it either. Sometimes I feel as though we are the blind leading the blind. But if anyone can feel less alone by reading our experience, then mission accomplished.

The point is: grief is different for everyone. It is not like the films. There is no “textbook” way to grieve. If you have had all of these chaotic, contrasting feelings, then you can empathise, and if you can’t, that’s okay too. 

Nobody expects someone to write a book the same way, or run the exact same pace in a marathon, or drink the same drinks. Your grief is personal to you, because your relationship with your loved one is and was different to anyone else’s. But we are all going to grow, whether we grow around our grief or with our grief.

We are not sure how long we will be working on this blog – 1 year from now and it might be inactive – but if it can be used as a resource to anyone who is suffering the grief for a loved one, even in 5 years-time, then we are happy with that. 

Katie & Evee

69 thoughts on “What Led Us Here?

  1. Hello, I am so very sorry for your loss, I lost my beloved Mum over 4 years ago, I have written some things in my blog about my situation, you might find it helpful, It’s not that it gets easier so much as it gets more bearable, I am lucky as I feel my Mum is always around me, I feel she watches over me and I am happy to feel that. You have a journey through grief to go through, You are very lucky to have each other for support, I have my wonderful husband. I don’t doubt you will gather a lot of followers, I have found people on this site to be so lovely. Please contact me if you want to talk more. Lilly x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you. You’re right that we all grieve in our own ways, though you also have expressed so much which I appreciate, and share. Cancer took my father five years ago. He was so vigorous, so cheerful, and entirely too young (as though there were a “good” time for it to happen) and then…he was gone. It still upsets me, always will, but the years also bring nostalgia and, strangely, optimism. Thanks you for explaining how you feel, which in many ways is how I do too.

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  3. It is obvious to me from the few posts i have read on your blog that your combined intelligence will get both of you ‘through’ the hard times you have endured and those that may still be yet to come.

    None of us can all that easily control our emotions – particularly those concerning the loss of a loved one and as you pointed out each of us deals with them in different ways – there is no one ‘right’ way. All of us may need some help to keep our spirit strong to get us past the deep despair or sense of uncertainty about the future.

    By doing what you are doing you are helping each other, but also helping the many others who find some relief from the understanding that it’s not just them suffering through a difficult period in their life. You are giving hope to those desperately seeking it. Hopefully you can find the same from some of their blogs. (If you ever need reminding that there is still a lot of simple beauty in the world, or there is some humour also, and for this life is always worth living, i do what little i am able to in this regard on my blog!) 🙂

    I lost my father to lung cancer for which he was treated with radiation and chemo therapy, but which then turned to brain cancer (He had been a smoker for 40 years before giving it up) when i was 40. Fortunately it was comparatively quick (and pain free for him) so Mum and i really only had to handle the loss. I could say i understand what you are having to deal with, but no one could fully understand it.

    If either of you have any questions, bearing in mind i live on the other side of the world, i am quite a good researcher and may be able to offer advice or find answers if you wish?

    My best wishes for the path ahead – I am sure it will be a long, but fulfilling and successful one for you both. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. We didn’t expect to feel so supported by everyone who is commenting. In just a week since we first posted, i’ve realised just how many people are affected by grief. It blows my mind how nobody really talks about it openly. Hopefully more and more people can read about our experiences and feel less alone, just as we have felt by reading everyone’s comments.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s the truly great thing about blogging… it is easier to express the grief one feels (and EVERYONE has/will experience it in one form and degree) and you will likely very soon find others in similar situations, or who will offer their support in whatever way they feel able or is appropriate.

        The wordpress communities are amazing. 🙂

        Hope you find the experience rewarding. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. So sorry to see when the loss was for you all. Her age is what we would class as young and it’s horrible to be taken from you at such an age. Cancer is cruel and doesn’t care who you are.

    You are right that for your situation there is anything to go by to help, so to create a blog at such a difficult time, that I hope you find it all helps you in some way to write it out, as well as finding that your blog helps others too.

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  5. Love to you both. I found you because you found my blog article. Despite lots of blog posts I’ve written I still find wordpress a bit clumsy to navigate so it’s good to follow a response. I nearly laughed at your comment about asking if someone had found your mum after they had asked if you had ‘lost’ her. There are so many expressions folk use to describe that people they love have died. Over the years with loved ones dying, and especially my husband having died in 2018 I’ve managed to accept that’s how people express things. Sometimes the things said are astonishing, I guess some people, even though meaning kindness, just don’t realise what the impact of their words are. I’m going to risk jumping in with an observation. Your mum’s legacy is her daughters and from what I see from what you’ve written is is a legacy to be proud of.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m so sorry for Your loss. You speak with such wisdom when You say/know that everyone grieves in their own way. That’s a tremendous gift to give Yourselves. It’s so very true. This blog is beautiful. What sweet hearts You have. 🙂

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  7. I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your mother–and you are doing a very good and brave thing to open your hearts to others in this way, as it will encourage many. Something to remember is this: not everyone has a loving mother to remember, so although your hearts are aching, you have the proof in loving memories that some of us do not have. I was not loved, and therefore I have no grief–I would trade places with you in a heartbeat ❤ Keeping you both in my prayers, that God will heal the pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment❤️ This pain is a sign that we had a strong bond, but it doesn’t make it any easier to remember that somedays. As always the support we are receiving is incredible 🙂 thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I could not even begin to imagine what you guys are going through. Just know that you two are going to help alot of people along the way. Good luck on your blogging journey, it really is a beautiful thing. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Reblogged this on Aún sigo vivo and commented:
    The Grief Reality is the path through loss of these two young girls in the form of a well-thought, inspiring and profound blog. If there’s anything we can learn from them is how love creates an unbreakable bond. With their strong and individual voices, Katie and Evee let us into their minds to understand grief in a way that many of us are grateful for: with smart, and even funny, posts about their thoughts and memories. I wish you the best!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Superb! I am glad that you have the courage to move on in life despite demise of your mother a few months back.
    All i can say is-Take life as it come to you,not as it should come.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Such a sad reason to start a blog but such an inspiring one, which will help many others. You’re right, people don’t talk about grief and I’m not sure why as it’s a part of life in whatever form.

    I to lost my mother to cancer and although we weren’t very close, it still affected me deeply. Unlike your mother, my mother refused all treatment and pain killers due to her fundamental beliefs as a Naturopath – an extremely difficult road for everyone.

    Many thanks for stopping by my Travel and Photography blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I think you are brave and that you will also help others by sharing your journey; I read a comment by a psychiatrist recently who said our brains are “wired to connect” and I agree so much. It’s like God made us for relationship more than anything else, so I suppose that’s why it hurts so much when one we love is gone. My daughter helped me understand grieving by sharing her feelings so honestly when she lost her first baby just a couple of months into the pregnancy. She was already bonding with that little one she longed to keep …but she said things like this: losing him was like being in a tunnel, where others could just look at her through windows and reach in and hold her hand every now and then, but no one could really come inside, and see the long dark days ahead of her when time seemed like her enemy…and yet she did regain her joy and hope. That maybe was the one common thread in talking to others about grieving–that somehow, with support and honesty and friends and faith, hope returns. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is one of the most powerful expressions of how it feels to grieve. Grief takes you to a foreign land others don’t often understand which is what makes grieving all the more painful. I really relate to this comment and your expression is very articulate and beautiful. ❤ I am so sorry for your daughter's loss.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. My first loss was of my grandfather when I was only one year old, then at 23 my father died of cancer. I started my blog back in 2013 to deal with recovery from addiction issues but underlying it was really grief. I lost my sister two years later on 20 April and my Mum on 12 Dec 2017. I can only say grieving is a process and it helps to talk about it. It rises up like a tide or wave at times and like you say every process is unique but the comments here just show what a Universal experience it is. I want to get trained to be a grief counsellor. My grief over my father only emerged after I was sober for 6 years… and I still grieve him at every other funeral of a male I attend. I have learned these important things. Grief is a sign of your love so you should honour it…. you never ‘get over’ the loss of a love one but you can ‘get through it’ but for this you need those willing to acknowledge it and allow you your process. Sending you love and encouragement for your new blog. Deborah

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  14. Hi girls,
    I was 8 years old when my mother died of cancer. I was the 2nd youngest of 10 children. Out father was no help to anyone as he claimed proudly to be the meanest bastard in the world. He beat at least one someone daily, usually me. He sexually assaulted my sisters, though this I did not know until years later. Life with no mother was terrorizing.
    That was 60 years ago. My father, if you can call him that, died 15 years later. No one mourned his death. Four of my 6 brothers have also died. Luckily we do not seem to be a long-lived family. The family was dysfunctional, and all of the kids have or had mental or spiritual scars.
    BUT DO NOT MOURN FOR US! We all survived in our own ways, and had decent lives, at least for a while. HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!

    I do not write this comment seeking sympathy. While it is a true story, it is a story of survival. None of us let life defeat us. We all won in our own ways.
    And I am sure you will win in yours. My oldest brothers were 22 and 20 when our mother died, just starting their own lives. They had decent support systems just being built. My sisters were 18, 12, and 10. I think they had the hardest times. Mothers are important to all children, but girls lose more than boys, generally speaking. However girls also generally seem to be more resilient, in my experience. I myself didn’t fully understand what was happening, nor did my younger brother who was born with Down Syndrome. We were told she went on a long trip to see god. They allowed us to think she would be coming back… How my other brothers, 19, 15, and 14, at the time, survived, I do not know, but they did.

    I wish you both well in your journeys. Keep each other close if you can. Help each other through the sad times, and share your happy times. Grieve, but please don’t allow yourselves to get stuck in the processes. Your paths are long ahead of you, with wondrous good things to come. Enjoy them as best you can. If and when you become mothers, honour your children the way your mother honoured you. Pass her love forward.

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  15. I am so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age. I lost my mom unexpectedly 4 years ago. I had no support afterwards. I looked online for support but couldn’t find any so I am glad you started your blog. I will look at more of your posts.
    I started a cooking blog to keep my mom’s memory alive. I make yogurt to keep her yogurt culture alive and that helps me.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am so very sorry for your loss! It appears there are a lot of people out here who are able to connect with you and provide some advice, and, hopefully, comfort! My wife works for our church, and we have a grief group for those who have experienced loss. It is very well received, so perhaps that’s an option. God bless you both, and I wish the very best for you as well!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Very sorry for your loss. Condoléances. Mi pésame. There are many words in any language. None can fill the void. 54 is a young age to go away. And you are both very young, but clearly strong. Now Death is a dirty thief. Not only does it rob you of the ones you love, it may hit you on the back of the head. Crash your immune system. That should get back up soon.
    Meanwhile? You have each other. Your friends. You will make new. And little by little, sometimes very slowly, you will start to see the summer light in the tree leaves. Or you will be able to remember your mom with a smile and not a tear. It may take longer for some, or less time. Every one is different.
    Just keep walking. 🙂
    Take care
    Brian

    Liked by 1 person

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